Sandwiches

Scene – Mrs May's personal office. Mrs May is present, alone, and reading a biography of Mrs Thatcher.

Enter, senior election adviser (SEA)

SEA: Mrs May, if I might borrow a moment of your time. I need to talk to you about social care.

MAY: [Snaps her book shut and puts it on the table.] Is it really important?

SEA: [Pause] Yes. One could say so.

MAY: Shoot then.

SEA: Right. What do you know about sandwich carers?

MAY: Sandwich carers? [Bursts into laughter.] Sandwich carers! What, women who care for sandwiches?

SEA: Can we try to pretend we're not sexist?

MAY: But the reality...

SEA: Yes, I understand the reality, but what have we said about reality?

MAY: …

SEA: Come on now! You need to get this. Reality...

MAY: Reality... can't...

SEA: Doesn't...

MAY: Reality doesn't... win elections!'

SEA: Very good!

MAY: Yes! [Air punches.]

SEA: All right, let’s go back a bit, what do you know about the current societal state of the country?

MAY: I think grammar schools are a good idea.

SEA: We'll go slowly then. You know back in the olden days, before there needed to be two employed wage-earners in a household...

MAY: Oh, happy days! We really should go back to those days!

SEA: I do think we need to accept that working women are good for the economy. Present company excepted. What I'm saying is, suddenly two adults in the household needed to work to make ends meet, so more women entered the workplace.

MAY: You just said that's a good thing!

SEA: It's a great thing! It just changes society. Remember about women working...?

MAY: Oh, I remember this one! [Chanting by rote] More women work, but they're still not paid or treated fairly, and often have to take menial or low-paid jobs, or ones where they have to be flexible or part-time to accommodate childcare, because, in the collective psychology, male workers are still considered more valuable than female ones, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy when women are hindered in the workplace because of the above. Phew!

SEA: Well done, Prime Minister! Just, don't say any of that outside this room, OK?

MAY: Because reality doesn't win elections!

SEA: Indeed. And now we want to make it just a little bit worse for those women.

MAY: Worse?

SEA: Yes. Here is what happened. As a response to this new social situation, women started to have their babies later, so that they could attempt to establish a career first. Because parents became older, grandparents became older. Because people often moved away for work, families no longer live in the same street and can't easily keep an eye on one another. So, they need us to help support them while they, in return, support the economy.

MAY: Wait, I thought it was lazy, sit-at-home people who we're supposed to supporting. You know, what are they called... what are they... Oh yes! Poor, sick, disabled, elderly, disadvantaged people!

SEA: We're the government. We should be supporting everybody. That's our job!

[Long pause, then laughter all round.]

SEA: The thing is, because grandparents are older, we now have an extra generation who need care and support. So, the person...

MAY: Woman.

SEA: Yes, but we really do have to pretend that this isn't a sexist thing. That person is a sandwich carer. The person in the middle generation is trying to work, progress through their career, raise their children, and care for their elderly relative all at the same time.

MAY: Those people are screwed, aren't they?

SEA: Yes. And we weighed it up very carefully, and decided that because those people are already screwed, things getting a bit worse won't feel as bad as it might for say... a large corporation having to pay fair and just tax for the first time ever.

MAY: Oh yes!

SEA: So, what we propose is this. You know how people are entitled to take a year off after the birth of their child, causing their career to stagnate while other workers progress...

MAY: The men.

SEA: Try not to keep saying that. Anyhow, we extend that so that they can also take a year off to take care of their elderly parents.

MAY: That doesn't seem too bad! Will we give them something equivalent to maternity pay?

SEA: No.

MAY: Huh. OK. That's...

SEA: Not fair, however, we have an additional solution.

MAY: Let's have it.

SEA: Everyone who owns property or assets over £100,000 will have to pay for any social care that's not provided for free by their family.

MAY: OK, so... what are we saying here?

SEA: People who have worked and saved for their entire lives to provide a reasonable estate for their children when they die, will no longer have a reasonable estate when they die.

MAY: But that's not fair!

SEA: Well, obviously, because people with £100,001 will feel it more than, someone with £1,000,001. But it still might actually be the fairest thing we've ever done.

MAY: No! I don't mean for them! I mean for me! The Grey Voter might not vote for me anymore!

SEA: Yes, but you'll gather the racist... no, sorry, I meant the UKIP voters, and everyone else who wants Johnny Foreigner to leave, and those voters who still believe that the NHS will be given piles of European money.

MAY: They still exist?

SEA: In for a penny, in for a non-existent pound, and all that.

MAY: OK. So, let's see if I get this whole sandwich carers thing right.

SEA: Go on.

MAY: Women are already disadvantaged in the workplace for a whole heap of reasons, and because they’re disadvantage in the workplace, they tend to be the one taking parental leave.

SEA: Yes.

MAY: And then, just when they've returned from that and moving upward again, they're required to take another, year-long break, for which they'll receive zero financial help...

SEA: To be fair, we'll give them £62.70 a week.

MAY: For which they're expected to do gruelling, specialist work...

SEA: Vital work, where they have to ensure their parents get meals every day, organise their medication, sometimes assist them to the toilet or the bath, make sure all medical appointments are attended, be on-call 24 hours a day in case of emergencies like falls, or their parent with dementia wandering off.

MAY: And they're doing all this while simultaneously being on-call for their children who might need taking care of while they're sick, or might want a parent to attend an assembly, or might also need additional care with disabilities or special needs...

SEA: Yes.

MAY: And who might have been relying on some inheritance so that they can afford to take that year off with no salary. And the grandparents who might have been able to help pay the tens of thousands pounds it costs to put the children through university, and they might want to help their children buy homes which really aren't affordable, now can't do that.

SEA: Yes.

MAY: And this will lead to a strong and stable economy?

SEA: What do we say about reality?

MAY: Because Brexit isn't going to screw the economy big time?

SEA: But what do we say about reality?

MAY: So, remind me again who benefits from all of this?

SEA: The Conservative party, big business and the rich.

MAY: Ah. Yes. OK then, let's screw the women.

Political Incompetence Race

Commentator 1: Welcome back to the Rio 2016 political incompetence race. This one has been rumbling along for a while now, but we should be able to take you all the way to the end of this heat.

Commentator 2: Can we hear the story until now?

Comm 1: Yes, just to recap, the UK Conservatives got off to a very good start with their ‘No plan’ move.

Comm 2: I understand they’d forgotten they’d be in power for Brexit negotiations!

Comm 1: Indeed. I believe they were able to make hay with the over-reliance of independent polling.

Comm 2: A good move.

Comm 1: We then saw them plunged into a leadership debate. They made excellent use of Gove with his bleeding knife, and they did manage to have a gloating mother who would not hire a male nanny…

Comm 2: Was the word paedophile mentioned?

Comm 1: It was. Unfortunately, this was under-reported by the press, and she dropped out of the race much sooner than anticipated. While May has pulled in a lot of Thatcher comparisons…

Comm 2: Any discussion of any traits other than her sex?

Comm 1: None at all. She’s deliberately making comparisons to Thatcher herself, and she’s made at least one joke in parliament about it…

Comm 2: Already?

Comm 1: Immediately. They also had the wonderful foresight of moving a racist into the Foreign Office, but I fear they may not catch up with UK Labour now.

Comm 2: I hear that UK Labour been gearing up for this for quite some time.

Comm 1: Yes, this is the culmination of a year’s worth of preparation. Most of the mass sackings were unfortunately just brushed over following the Tory Gove manoeuvre, but they did manage to pull out an early vote of no confidence.

Comm 2: A good move.

Comm 1: And they were able to follow that up immediately by the leader refusing to resign after that vote. And now, and I think you’ll agree that this is a sterling decision, they have split themselves into two parties, and have to put themselves into both first and second place!

Comm 2: So they’re running against each other?

Comm 1: Rather brilliantly, they are not split in any official regard, but they have definitely split ideologically.

Comm 2: That must be generating quite some confusion among the party membership!

Comm 1: Yes, indeed it is! They’ve been given a real boost by the membership standing by the current leader who has the respect of just a tiny proportion of the parliamentary party!

Comm 2: So I see they’re running towards the home straight now…

Comm 1: Let’s take a look at where we are…

Comm 2: I see we’ve got the continual batting between each other of general bullying.

Comm 1: Yes, and this slow, steady manoeuvre is what’s been keeping them nicely ahead.

Comm 2: Oh! And an accusation of conspiracy!

Comm 1: Nicely done!

Comm 2: And what have we got here… it’s a… it’s a failure to address the bullying!

Comm 1: Yes, this has also been a much used tactic. And now we’ve got…

Comm 2: Let me see… we’ve got…

Comm 1: Accusation of sexism! Intimidation! Further conspiracy and the de-registering of Labour Party members!

Comm 2: Brilliant work from UK Labour there!

Comm 1: We’ve got some Socialist slurs going on…

Comm 2: Is that alienating core membership?

Comm 1: It is! It is!

Comm 2: Wait! What are we seeing here?

Comm 1: Look at this! Look at this! This is Turkey’s president Erdoğan!

Comm 2: Yes! Turkey have shot ahead with an attempted coup!

Comm 1: Military?

Comm 2: Yes! And it’s chaos! I believe it’s based on… yes, it’s based on a chronic failure to deal with the Kurdish issue!

Comm 1: I don’t think I’ve seen a move like that since… what was it? The seventies?

Comm 2: Early eighties I think!

Comm 1: Early eighties! Wait… we have UK Labour trying to catch up…

Comm 2: What have we got here?

Comm 1: Another accusation… this time it’s… it’s… invasion of privacy!

Comm 2: Was the office vacated?

Comm 1: It was… No! It was not vacated!

Comm 2: For how long?

Comm 1: A month! No office space, apparently!

Comm 2: No office space! But what have we got from Turkey?

Comm 1: A return… I’m just trying to make it out… No, it’s a threat to return to the death penalty!

Comm 2: That should scupper any attempt to join the EU!

Comm 1: Mutterings of torture!

Comm 2: Mutterings of torture! Brilliant!

Comm 1: But we’re coming up to the finish line now!

Comm 2: And we’ve got…

Comm 1: Yes! It’s Turkey’s Erdoğan in Gold, and UK Labour take both Silver and Bronze!

Comm 2: I don’t think I’ve seen a finish like that for…

Comm 1: Well for many, many years.

Comm 2: I would go so far as to say that this was a monumental fuck up all round!

Comm 1: A monumental fuck up!

Comm 2: The final is going to have a lot to live up to here! Who are they meeting?

Comm 1: Well, the shock story of the first heat was the USA.

Comm 2: But they’ve been quiet for an awfully long time!

Comm 1: They have, but I hear that they have a trump card to play! So let’s see how that pans out…

Meeting The Queen

Queen: Are you able to form a government with the support of parliament?

May: I am.

Queen: Are you sure?

May: I am.

Queen: Excellent. So what the fuck are you going to do about Brexit?

May: I know! I mean... really? Where the hell do I even start?

Queen: Dude. Rather you than me.

May: But can't you... maybe... can't you do one of those royal edict things where you just say that you're not gonna do it? That you like a bit of united Europe and remember the blitz innit? Or the other way: I evoke article 50 right now, fuck all of you!

Queen: No bloody way. I'm apolitical, remember?

May: Oh fuck it.

Queen: Go on then, give me a sneaky peek of your cabinet.

May: No, you’ll have to wait and see.

Queen: Come on! You know I like the spoilers!

May: OK then. Just one though, but this one’s really funny… Boris in the Foreign Office.

Queen: … Boris Johnson?

May: Yeah.

Queen: BoJo?

May: Yep.

Queen: In the Foreign Office?

May: Yes! <sniggers>

Queen: Really? Hehehehe!

May: I know!

Queen: Hahahaha!

May: Hahahaha!

Queen: Oh my God! Oh my God! Hahahahaha!

May: Oh! Oh! Hahahaha!

Queen: Oh no! Oh no! I can’t breathe!

May: Hahahahaha!

Queen: Oh my! Oh dear! God! Why didn’t you just ask for Phil and have done with it?

May: <Falls about laughing>

Queen: Oh God! Oh God! This hurts! Oh stop!

May: <Wiping away tear> It even rhymes! ‘I’ll have Boris, in the Foreign Office!’

Queen: Oh God! Please stop! <Falls of her chair>

(This piece gave me such an Under Pressure earworm.)

Behind Westmister 4: Shocked and Appalled!

[Behind Westminster about an hour before Prime Minister’s Questions on the 6^th July 2011. Cameron holds a bag full of slips of paper.]

Cameron: Here we go chaps, dig in.

Miliband: [Picking a slip of paper] I’ve got ‘horrified’.

Clegg: [Also picking a paper] I’m ‘disgusted’.

Cameron: ‘Appalled’ for me.

Miliband: Lucky bugger. Er, Oh, I’m ‘aghast’.

Clegg: I’m ‘astounded’.

Cameron: That’s quite apt for you.

Clegg: Hey!

Cameron: Sorry. Er, OK, I’m ‘stunned’.

Miliband: I’m ‘shocked’!

Clegg: I’m ‘revolted’.

Cameron: ‘Sickened’.

Miliband: ‘Staggered’.

Clegg: ‘Dismayed’! [The other two snigger.] Oh come on! That’s hardly fair. Millers, can I swap you ‘revolted’ for ‘shocked’? Then at least I can be ‘shocked and dismayed’.

Miliband: No way! If I lose ‘shocked’ I’ve lost any that suggest I didn’t know. Come on, it’s not that bad.

Clegg: It is when I’m also astounded! I sound like I’ve been wandering around in a permanently naïve and confused state for the past eighteen months!

Miliband: Haven’t you?

Clegg: No!

Miliband: Cleggers, what sound does a goat make?

Clegg: Meh-h-h. Hey! Stop it! I’d just got that under control!

Cameron: Oh you can hardly talk, Millers! How did you feel about the hacking? Tell me honestly.

Miliband: The hacks were wrong, when investigations were still underway! Oh bugger. I’ve nearly fixed it though!

Clegg: Meh-h-h.

Cameron: Oh shut up, Clegg. Boys, this is pretty bad isn’t it?

Miliband: Yeah. It is. Though fortunately for me, it’s slightly worse for the one of us who likes to go riding with ‘Bekah.

Cameron: Yeah. It is pretty bad.

Miliband: Are you going to stick with her?

Cameron: Yeah. I kind of have to for now. I’m amazed I was unscathed after Coulson.

Clegg: Meh-h-h. Sorry. I mean, the problem is for you, that if you don’t ditch her, the general public are going think that she’s got something on you.

Cameron: Yes, well done Clegg.

Miliband: Christ! Welcome to the conversation, Clegg!

Clegg: Oh come on! I’m only learning! I wasn’t to know.

Cameron: The thing is, Cleggers, the very important thing is that you did know.

Clegg: What?

Cameron: Remember back in May last year, don’t you remember Rusbridger contacting you?

Clegg: Yeah. We had a meeting. But we didn’t talk about any of this!

Cameron: Are you sure? Do you remember what he said to you at all?

Clegg: There was some stuff about me trying hard not to be a traitor and a turncoat, and some stuff about other phones and police corruption, and there was a bit of talk about coalition talks, and then I got over-excited and stopped listening.

Cameron: Was Coulson mentioned at all?

Clegg: I think so, yeah.

Cameron: In what context?

Clegg: Oh, er, I think he said ‘you do know that Cameron’s communication's director is a master criminal who pays off the police and commits perjury.’ Oh! Was that about all of this?

Miliband: Oh Cleggers, you are so screwed.

Clegg: But, but, but, Cameron knew too, didn’t he? Didn’t you?

Cameron: While technically the answer to that is ‘yes’ I cleverly didn’t go and meet with Rusbridger. I sent a friend, and then told the friend not to tell me what he said.

Miliband: Ah, the ‘I honestly didn’t know what my staff were getting up to’ defence. Isn’t that what ‘Bekah’s using?

Cameron: Well what’s on your PR guy's CV then, Millers?

Miliband: I choose not to answer that question.

Clegg: I think I might not support you for this one, Dave.

Cameron: Oh, like anyone’s going to believe anything you say, Cleggers. What about you Millers?

Miliband: Hm, I’m not sure. I do think the hacks were wrong, when the investigations were still underway. I’m fairly sure that the sale of BskyB is also wrong, while the investigations are still underway. The problem is, the ‘examine your conscience’ line didn’t go over too well yesterday.

Cameron: Yeah. I think your error was to assume that she has one. She doesn’t. I’ve checked.

Miliband: Mm. Well in that case I’d better go and see if I can manage plan B.

Cameron: Which is?

Miliband: [Check’s his watch] I have to see if I can grow a pair in the next thirty-five minutes.

Clegg: Oo, if you manage, can you tell me how?

Cameron: [Sighs] Well come on then lads. Let’s go and distribute our words to the troops.

Political Sketch 3.

[At the back of the familiar Westminster Bikesheds. Gove stands playing with a yo-yo, becoming increasingly frustrated that it won’t come back to him. Cameron enters from the door behind him.]

Cameron: Ah! Gove! There you are.

Gove: Yes indeed! Cammers, can you get one of these damned things to work?

Cameron: No I can’t. Wait, what damned things specifically?

Gove: A yo-yo of course!

Cameron: Oh, then no. I can’t get one of them to work either. Look, Gove, I want to talk to you about Thursday.

Gove: [Yelps] Oh, sorry, Cammers. It’s just, please don’t mention that word. Or the other one please. The one that ends ‘rike’ and starts ‘st’. I’ve become a bit jumpy about them.

Cameron: OK, well I want to talk to you about the thing that’s going to happen the day after Wednesday.

Gove: OK. I’m ready. But really, I think you should remember the messages I’ve been putting out there over the past few days, before you start shouting at me.

Cameron: Such as the one on the Andrew Marr show?

Gove: Yes! Those teachers will be hurting single parents the worst! If we can get single parents on our side, we’ll be laughing! There are millions of ‘em!

Cameron: The single parents who will be loosing a twelfth of their annual income as part of the cuts we’ve but in place? Those ones?

Gove: Yes. Why? Do you think it’ll be a hard sell?

Cameron: A bit, yes.

Gove: Well I have also pointed out that parents in general will stop respecting teachers who strike.

Cameron: The parents who send their children to school for free, and are aware of the shit salaries that are paid to the teachers for educating their little darlings day after day?

Gove: Yes. Those ones. Is that not good either?

Cameron: Well, let’s put it this way. If you’ve got kids, you know a brilliant teacher when you see one. Nothing in the world will stop you knowing that that teacher is a brilliant teacher, and that’s the person you want educating your child.

Gove: Oh. Well I did have this one idea…

Cameron: What was that?

Gove: I thought that the parents who couldn’t work because their children’s teachers are on strike, well, they could go into the classroom and just, well, take over.

Cameron:  Hmm. An interesting suggestion. However, I can see two flaws immediately. The first is that the parents will need CRB checks and they won’t be able to get them on time, and the second is that teaching thirty children is actually quite a tough job as it turns out. I’m frankly amazed that people are prepared to do it for the peanuts that we pay them. I’m not sure random people from the street will be able to do it.

Gove: Oh. Oh dear, Cammers. I’m so sorry about this.

Cameron: Oh it’s not your fault, Gove. I probably shouldn’t have given you the job. Or indeed, have been elected.

Gove: You weren’t elected.

Cameron: Gove!

Gove: Sorry! Sorry sir! But look, I did think of one thing…

Cameron: Really? A whole thought, Gove? Let’s have it then.

Gove: Well, I did think that there is something of a silver lining that I think you’ll quite like!

Cameron: And what’s that.

Gove: Well, for the first time, it’s pretty damned lucky that unemployment’s so high right now!

Cameron: Gove?

Gove: Yes?

Cameron: You’re a berk.

Another Political Sketch.

I enjoyed writing the last little sketch, so I’m having another go. There were thirty seconds of joy in the middle of Prime Minister’s Question Time on Wednesday that led to this.

I don’t usually follow PMQT, but I’m definitely thinking of starting to do so.

Pip xxx

[Cameron stands by the bike shed behind the Houses of Parliament. He is smoking a cigarette and kicking at small stones on the floor. A short, bald man enters.]

Hague: Morning, Cameron.

Cameron: Is it? I didn’t notice.

Hague: Oh it can’t be that bad, can it? Things are going well! Well, fairly well. Well, not as bad as they could be. OK, things aren’t going great, but look at it this way; they can’t get much worse for you, can they!

Cameron: Thank you for bringing this ray of sunshine into my life, Hague. What did you want?

Hague: Ah. Yes. Well, a couple of the boys and I were chatting and I drew the short straw, so here I am.

Cameron: Nice.

Hague: Oh I didn’t mean it like that! Come on, Cammers! You know I like talking to you! It’s just the subject matter that I’m concerned about in this case.

Cameron: Out with it then.

Hague: Cammers, you’ve got to give them back.

Cameron: Give what back?

Hague: The marbles, Cameron.

Cameron: No! No, I won them fair and square!

Hague: Well, you didn’t really…

Cameron: I did! I won the party leadership, and then I won the election, and now I’m the Ruler of Britain, therefore they’re my marbles!

Hague: Does Lizzie know you’re Ruler of Britain?

Cameron: They’re my marbles! I’m not giving them back!

Hague: Yeah, but…

Cameron: Anyway, Liz wants to keep them too! She thinks they were a wedding present!

Hague: Given to her a hundred years before she was born?

Cameron: They’re ours! I’m not giving them back! Possession is nine tenths of the law, you know.

Hague: The thing is, I’ve been talking to the lawyers and it turns out that’s simply not true.

[Cameron clenches his fists and starts stamping his feet.]

Cameron: They’re mine, they’re mine, they’re mine, they’re mine, they’re mine!

Hague: When did you last go and see them?

Cameron: That’s irrelevant. I’m not giving them back! Besides, there might not even be a Greece for much longer! Did you even think of that?

Hague: As a political force perhaps, but I don’t think it’s going to fall into the sea! The Acropolis will still be there.

Cameron: Have the Greeks even got a receipt? How do we even know they were theirs?

Hague: How do we know that carvings made by Greek sculptures, from Greek Marble, paid for by the Athenian state to decorate the capital of Greek Culture, on a temple commemorating a Greek god... are Greek?

Cameron: Yes. Because I’ve got Elgin’s diary, and it clearly shows that they passed into our possession.

Hague: Yes, when he stole them.

Cameron: ‘Stole’ is very subjective word don’t you think?

Hague: He went to Greece and removed them by force...

Cameron: Well they were stuck on quite hard...

Hague: Against the will of the Greek people...

Cameron: I'm sure they didn't mind the spoiling of their landmark temple that much...

Hague: ...and with no payment in return.

Cameron: If he could have found a Greek with proof of purchase, then I’m sure he would have paid them.

Hague: So you’re absolutely sure about this are you?

Cameron: Yes. They’re my marbles! I won them and nobody can take them away from me.

Hague: Fine. Well anyway, the subject came up because the the Greek ambassador has offered the British Museum an additional antiquity. They asked if we’d like to display it alongside the marbles.

Cameron: See! Even the Greek’s are happy that we’ve got them! What have they sent us?

Hague: It’s quite nice. It’s a massive wooden horse and it’s about twenty meters high. It keeps giggling, but I’m sure it would look lovely next to the marbles!