[At the back of the familiar Westminster Bikesheds. Gove stands playing with a yo-yo, becoming increasingly frustrated that it won’t come back to him. Cameron enters from the door behind him.]
Cameron: Ah! Gove! There you are.
Gove: Yes indeed! Cammers, can you get one of these damned things to work?
Cameron: No I can’t. Wait, what damned things specifically?
Gove: A yo-yo of course!
Cameron: Oh, then no. I can’t get one of them to work either. Look, Gove, I want to talk to you about Thursday.
Gove: [Yelps] Oh, sorry, Cammers. It’s just, please don’t mention that word. Or the other one please. The one that ends ‘rike’ and starts ‘st’. I’ve become a bit jumpy about them.
Cameron: OK, well I want to talk to you about the thing that’s going to happen the day after Wednesday.
Gove: OK. I’m ready. But really, I think you should remember the messages I’ve been putting out there over the past few days, before you start shouting at me.
Cameron: Such as the one on the Andrew Marr show?
Gove: Yes! Those teachers will be hurting single parents the worst! If we can get single parents on our side, we’ll be laughing! There are millions of ‘em!
Cameron: The single parents who will be loosing a twelfth of their annual income as part of the cuts we’ve but in place? Those ones?
Gove: Yes. Why? Do you think it’ll be a hard sell?
Cameron: A bit, yes.
Gove: Well I have also pointed out that parents in general will stop respecting teachers who strike.
Cameron: The parents who send their children to school for free, and are aware of the shit salaries that are paid to the teachers for educating their little darlings day after day?
Gove: Yes. Those ones. Is that not good either?
Cameron: Well, let’s put it this way. If you’ve got kids, you know a brilliant teacher when you see one. Nothing in the world will stop you knowing that that teacher is a brilliant teacher, and that’s the person you want educating your child.
Gove: Oh. Well I did have this one idea…
Cameron: What was that?
Gove: I thought that the parents who couldn’t work because their children’s teachers are on strike, well, they could go into the classroom and just, well, take over.
Cameron: Hmm. An interesting suggestion. However, I can see two flaws immediately. The first is that the parents will need CRB checks and they won’t be able to get them on time, and the second is that teaching thirty children is actually quite a tough job as it turns out. I’m frankly amazed that people are prepared to do it for the peanuts that we pay them. I’m not sure random people from the street will be able to do it.
Gove: Oh. Oh dear, Cammers. I’m so sorry about this.
Cameron: Oh it’s not your fault, Gove. I probably shouldn’t have given you the job. Or indeed, have been elected.
Gove: You weren’t elected.
Cameron: Gove!
Gove: Sorry! Sorry sir! But look, I did think of one thing…
Cameron: Really? A whole thought, Gove? Let’s have it then.
Gove: Well, I did think that there is something of a silver lining that I think you’ll quite like!
Cameron: And what’s that.
Gove: Well, for the first time, it’s pretty damned lucky that unemployment’s so high right now!
Cameron: Gove?
Gove: Yes?
Cameron: You’re a berk.
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