Behind Westmister 4: Shocked and Appalled!

[Behind Westminster about an hour before Prime Minister’s Questions on the 6^th July 2011. Cameron holds a bag full of slips of paper.]

Cameron: Here we go chaps, dig in.

Miliband: [Picking a slip of paper] I’ve got ‘horrified’.

Clegg: [Also picking a paper] I’m ‘disgusted’.

Cameron: ‘Appalled’ for me.

Miliband: Lucky bugger. Er, Oh, I’m ‘aghast’.

Clegg: I’m ‘astounded’.

Cameron: That’s quite apt for you.

Clegg: Hey!

Cameron: Sorry. Er, OK, I’m ‘stunned’.

Miliband: I’m ‘shocked’!

Clegg: I’m ‘revolted’.

Cameron: ‘Sickened’.

Miliband: ‘Staggered’.

Clegg: ‘Dismayed’! [The other two snigger.] Oh come on! That’s hardly fair. Millers, can I swap you ‘revolted’ for ‘shocked’? Then at least I can be ‘shocked and dismayed’.

Miliband: No way! If I lose ‘shocked’ I’ve lost any that suggest I didn’t know. Come on, it’s not that bad.

Clegg: It is when I’m also astounded! I sound like I’ve been wandering around in a permanently naïve and confused state for the past eighteen months!

Miliband: Haven’t you?

Clegg: No!

Miliband: Cleggers, what sound does a goat make?

Clegg: Meh-h-h. Hey! Stop it! I’d just got that under control!

Cameron: Oh you can hardly talk, Millers! How did you feel about the hacking? Tell me honestly.

Miliband: The hacks were wrong, when investigations were still underway! Oh bugger. I’ve nearly fixed it though!

Clegg: Meh-h-h.

Cameron: Oh shut up, Clegg. Boys, this is pretty bad isn’t it?

Miliband: Yeah. It is. Though fortunately for me, it’s slightly worse for the one of us who likes to go riding with ‘Bekah.

Cameron: Yeah. It is pretty bad.

Miliband: Are you going to stick with her?

Cameron: Yeah. I kind of have to for now. I’m amazed I was unscathed after Coulson.

Clegg: Meh-h-h. Sorry. I mean, the problem is for you, that if you don’t ditch her, the general public are going think that she’s got something on you.

Cameron: Yes, well done Clegg.

Miliband: Christ! Welcome to the conversation, Clegg!

Clegg: Oh come on! I’m only learning! I wasn’t to know.

Cameron: The thing is, Cleggers, the very important thing is that you did know.

Clegg: What?

Cameron: Remember back in May last year, don’t you remember Rusbridger contacting you?

Clegg: Yeah. We had a meeting. But we didn’t talk about any of this!

Cameron: Are you sure? Do you remember what he said to you at all?

Clegg: There was some stuff about me trying hard not to be a traitor and a turncoat, and some stuff about other phones and police corruption, and there was a bit of talk about coalition talks, and then I got over-excited and stopped listening.

Cameron: Was Coulson mentioned at all?

Clegg: I think so, yeah.

Cameron: In what context?

Clegg: Oh, er, I think he said ‘you do know that Cameron’s communication's director is a master criminal who pays off the police and commits perjury.’ Oh! Was that about all of this?

Miliband: Oh Cleggers, you are so screwed.

Clegg: But, but, but, Cameron knew too, didn’t he? Didn’t you?

Cameron: While technically the answer to that is ‘yes’ I cleverly didn’t go and meet with Rusbridger. I sent a friend, and then told the friend not to tell me what he said.

Miliband: Ah, the ‘I honestly didn’t know what my staff were getting up to’ defence. Isn’t that what ‘Bekah’s using?

Cameron: Well what’s on your PR guy's CV then, Millers?

Miliband: I choose not to answer that question.

Clegg: I think I might not support you for this one, Dave.

Cameron: Oh, like anyone’s going to believe anything you say, Cleggers. What about you Millers?

Miliband: Hm, I’m not sure. I do think the hacks were wrong, when the investigations were still underway. I’m fairly sure that the sale of BskyB is also wrong, while the investigations are still underway. The problem is, the ‘examine your conscience’ line didn’t go over too well yesterday.

Cameron: Yeah. I think your error was to assume that she has one. She doesn’t. I’ve checked.

Miliband: Mm. Well in that case I’d better go and see if I can manage plan B.

Cameron: Which is?

Miliband: [Check’s his watch] I have to see if I can grow a pair in the next thirty-five minutes.

Clegg: Oo, if you manage, can you tell me how?

Cameron: [Sighs] Well come on then lads. Let’s go and distribute our words to the troops.

Political Sketch 3.

[At the back of the familiar Westminster Bikesheds. Gove stands playing with a yo-yo, becoming increasingly frustrated that it won’t come back to him. Cameron enters from the door behind him.]

Cameron: Ah! Gove! There you are.

Gove: Yes indeed! Cammers, can you get one of these damned things to work?

Cameron: No I can’t. Wait, what damned things specifically?

Gove: A yo-yo of course!

Cameron: Oh, then no. I can’t get one of them to work either. Look, Gove, I want to talk to you about Thursday.

Gove: [Yelps] Oh, sorry, Cammers. It’s just, please don’t mention that word. Or the other one please. The one that ends ‘rike’ and starts ‘st’. I’ve become a bit jumpy about them.

Cameron: OK, well I want to talk to you about the thing that’s going to happen the day after Wednesday.

Gove: OK. I’m ready. But really, I think you should remember the messages I’ve been putting out there over the past few days, before you start shouting at me.

Cameron: Such as the one on the Andrew Marr show?

Gove: Yes! Those teachers will be hurting single parents the worst! If we can get single parents on our side, we’ll be laughing! There are millions of ‘em!

Cameron: The single parents who will be loosing a twelfth of their annual income as part of the cuts we’ve but in place? Those ones?

Gove: Yes. Why? Do you think it’ll be a hard sell?

Cameron: A bit, yes.

Gove: Well I have also pointed out that parents in general will stop respecting teachers who strike.

Cameron: The parents who send their children to school for free, and are aware of the shit salaries that are paid to the teachers for educating their little darlings day after day?

Gove: Yes. Those ones. Is that not good either?

Cameron: Well, let’s put it this way. If you’ve got kids, you know a brilliant teacher when you see one. Nothing in the world will stop you knowing that that teacher is a brilliant teacher, and that’s the person you want educating your child.

Gove: Oh. Well I did have this one idea…

Cameron: What was that?

Gove: I thought that the parents who couldn’t work because their children’s teachers are on strike, well, they could go into the classroom and just, well, take over.

Cameron:  Hmm. An interesting suggestion. However, I can see two flaws immediately. The first is that the parents will need CRB checks and they won’t be able to get them on time, and the second is that teaching thirty children is actually quite a tough job as it turns out. I’m frankly amazed that people are prepared to do it for the peanuts that we pay them. I’m not sure random people from the street will be able to do it.

Gove: Oh. Oh dear, Cammers. I’m so sorry about this.

Cameron: Oh it’s not your fault, Gove. I probably shouldn’t have given you the job. Or indeed, have been elected.

Gove: You weren’t elected.

Cameron: Gove!

Gove: Sorry! Sorry sir! But look, I did think of one thing…

Cameron: Really? A whole thought, Gove? Let’s have it then.

Gove: Well, I did think that there is something of a silver lining that I think you’ll quite like!

Cameron: And what’s that.

Gove: Well, for the first time, it’s pretty damned lucky that unemployment’s so high right now!

Cameron: Gove?

Gove: Yes?

Cameron: You’re a berk.