Another Political Sketch.

I enjoyed writing the last little sketch, so I’m having another go. There were thirty seconds of joy in the middle of Prime Minister’s Question Time on Wednesday that led to this.

I don’t usually follow PMQT, but I’m definitely thinking of starting to do so.

Pip xxx

[Cameron stands by the bike shed behind the Houses of Parliament. He is smoking a cigarette and kicking at small stones on the floor. A short, bald man enters.]

Hague: Morning, Cameron.

Cameron: Is it? I didn’t notice.

Hague: Oh it can’t be that bad, can it? Things are going well! Well, fairly well. Well, not as bad as they could be. OK, things aren’t going great, but look at it this way; they can’t get much worse for you, can they!

Cameron: Thank you for bringing this ray of sunshine into my life, Hague. What did you want?

Hague: Ah. Yes. Well, a couple of the boys and I were chatting and I drew the short straw, so here I am.

Cameron: Nice.

Hague: Oh I didn’t mean it like that! Come on, Cammers! You know I like talking to you! It’s just the subject matter that I’m concerned about in this case.

Cameron: Out with it then.

Hague: Cammers, you’ve got to give them back.

Cameron: Give what back?

Hague: The marbles, Cameron.

Cameron: No! No, I won them fair and square!

Hague: Well, you didn’t really…

Cameron: I did! I won the party leadership, and then I won the election, and now I’m the Ruler of Britain, therefore they’re my marbles!

Hague: Does Lizzie know you’re Ruler of Britain?

Cameron: They’re my marbles! I’m not giving them back!

Hague: Yeah, but…

Cameron: Anyway, Liz wants to keep them too! She thinks they were a wedding present!

Hague: Given to her a hundred years before she was born?

Cameron: They’re ours! I’m not giving them back! Possession is nine tenths of the law, you know.

Hague: The thing is, I’ve been talking to the lawyers and it turns out that’s simply not true.

[Cameron clenches his fists and starts stamping his feet.]

Cameron: They’re mine, they’re mine, they’re mine, they’re mine, they’re mine!

Hague: When did you last go and see them?

Cameron: That’s irrelevant. I’m not giving them back! Besides, there might not even be a Greece for much longer! Did you even think of that?

Hague: As a political force perhaps, but I don’t think it’s going to fall into the sea! The Acropolis will still be there.

Cameron: Have the Greeks even got a receipt? How do we even know they were theirs?

Hague: How do we know that carvings made by Greek sculptures, from Greek Marble, paid for by the Athenian state to decorate the capital of Greek Culture, on a temple commemorating a Greek god... are Greek?

Cameron: Yes. Because I’ve got Elgin’s diary, and it clearly shows that they passed into our possession.

Hague: Yes, when he stole them.

Cameron: ‘Stole’ is very subjective word don’t you think?

Hague: He went to Greece and removed them by force...

Cameron: Well they were stuck on quite hard...

Hague: Against the will of the Greek people...

Cameron: I'm sure they didn't mind the spoiling of their landmark temple that much...

Hague: ...and with no payment in return.

Cameron: If he could have found a Greek with proof of purchase, then I’m sure he would have paid them.

Hague: So you’re absolutely sure about this are you?

Cameron: Yes. They’re my marbles! I won them and nobody can take them away from me.

Hague: Fine. Well anyway, the subject came up because the the Greek ambassador has offered the British Museum an additional antiquity. They asked if we’d like to display it alongside the marbles.

Cameron: See! Even the Greek’s are happy that we’ve got them! What have they sent us?

Hague: It’s quite nice. It’s a massive wooden horse and it’s about twenty meters high. It keeps giggling, but I’m sure it would look lovely next to the marbles!