Lies, damned lies, and even more fucking lies.

I lie on the internet. I do it all the time. Every day. In addition, I lie continuously and repeatedly to my colleagues and children, and the people I meet in the park and at the school pick up too, so my lying isn’t Internet-restricted. The colleagues, and most of the Internet know when I’m lying to them and they’re quite happy to accept the lie.

The nature of the lie is this: I swear all the fucking time. Seriously, it’s constant. My thoughts would need bleeping for thirty seconds in the minute if they were to be played on BBC Radio four. Most of the time, particularly at work, and with my innocent young children or my Nan, I rein it in and try not to swear quite so much. I recognise that for certain audiences swearing isn’t appropriate, and other audiences might find it offensive so I’ll happily moderate my language.

Occasionally I find it quite difficult. Every now and again when the stars align themselves and my hideous PMT coincides with someone somewhere being unbelievably fucking stupid and/or offensive, the air around me tends to turn a little blue. Sometimes it spills out onto the internet and people get a glimpse of the me I try to keep hidden away.

So ultimately, my main internet lie is that I want the reader to perceive me as an intelligent, erudite and well-spoken young lady (OK, mid-thirties lady, but depending on where you’re standing, that’s still young!), rather than the angry little potty-mouth that I actually am.

There have been other, little, white-lies I may have told too. I may have embellished a story or two to make them a little funnier. I may have reworded something so that it a story didn’t end on an unstressed syllable.

So what? It’s not exactly news, is it? People lie on the internet. It happens all the time.

Some people even create a whole new persona while they’re on the internet. I have to admit, Pip Mulgrue is not my real name. It’s Roseanne. Pip’s a shortening of the sign-on, LittlePippin and at this point, more people know me as Pip than anything else, so for convenience, I’ve pretty much just changed my name. The views expressed by Pip reflect the views of me. They are mine, she is me and I am her. One person, two names. The husband I talk about is the man that I’m married to, and the children I mention were pushed out of my very own vagina. I think this level of Internet lying is pretty much OK. Sensible, in fact, if you want to ensure some level of privacy for yourself and your family.

Other people, however, seem to delight in producing an entire persona with the agenda of being offensive about important, emotive issues, just to make other people upset or angry. They wouldn’t say such things out loud to colleagues or other acquaintances, but they don’t mind being mean and rude to get a reaction on line. The Internet Trolls. They’re foul little beings, and it’s often painful to watch someone fall into their traps, but for the most part they’re easily ignored or scrolled through.

Then there are the other people. The ones who make up a whole identity for the sole purpose of tricking or entrapping someone. I’m not talking about adults posing as children, which is obviously a whole different ball game of evil. I’m talking about people who make up elaborate lives in which they are ill or injured in order to get sympathy or support from other adults.

Now, before I get to the two belming fucktards about whom this entire post is written, I need to make the following confession. I find it really, very hard to pin down my own sexuality. In my most recent blog about sex, I referred to myself as ‘mostly straight’. That is currently my preferred label if I’m required to categorise myself. I have at various other times thought that I was gay, that I was straight and that I was bisexual. At any given time I may well have described myself as one of the three to whoever I was with.

I am married to a man, and faithful to him, so the ‘straight’ box is easy to tick these days. On the other hand, this seems to overlook the various women that I’ve been deeply, sweatily attracted to. I don’t want to deny that leaning to anyone, so that’s where ‘bisexual’ comes in.

On the other hand, I’ve never actually managed to have sex with any of the women I’ve been attracted to, so I don’t really want to over-sell the bisexual label either. On the other hand, I haven’t actually managed to have sex with that many men either, because I’m basically rubbish at moving from those moments of thinking that I really want to have sex with this being before me, to actually having sex with the aforementioned being.

I’d like to say, as one friend does, ‘I only have sex with beautiful people’, but that’s dishonest too, as my standards for ‘beauty’ aren’t actually that high. On the other hand, to say ‘I’ll shag anyone’ isn’t true either. So this is how I’d label my own sexuality: “All things being equal, in a situation where I was available and in the mood and the other person was interested, I would happily shag anyone of either sex who makes me laugh and is generally a nice person.” That is what I'm attracted to.

If the circumstances were right, and she was eager, I wouldn’t take pains to reject Lauren Laverne. Or indeed David Mitchell.

I like that, but it’s wordy, so I’ll go for ‘mostly straight’ and happily give the qualifications to anyone who asks for them.

It also so happens, that my male husband makes me laugh constantly, is conveniently located for the having of sex, and is apparently happy to have sex with me too. I also love him, and that seems to make me not want to have sex with anyone else at all, whether they make me laugh or not. So that’s that.

But my point is, sometimes knowing your own sexuality can be deeply confusing, and in my opinion, it can move a little bit either way as people go through their lives and their preferences change. Pinning it down in a determined and clear fashion can be a tricky business and I’m not sure I’d label someone a liar if they told me they were straight one day, and maybe bisexual the next.

Take for example, Tom MacMaster, a forty year, straight, married, research student in Edinburgh, who is apparently so confused about his own sexuality that he thought he might be a thirty-five year old gay woman, living in Damascus with her father.

Sorry, did I say he was ‘confused’? I misspoke. I actually meant that he was a belming fucktard of the highest order.

And did I suggest I wouldn’t label someone a liar for doing such a thing? I misspoke there too. He was a liar, and the lie was deliberate and self-serving and it caused hurt and damage.

I have been brewing up a whole heap of anger for Tom MacMaster for the past couple of days, and my reasons are varied. The primary reason is that MacMaster’s false blog belittles the accounts of real gay Syrian people living in a regime that’s oppresses them. It casts doubt on their honesty. It dilutes the impact of the real blogs that are worth reading and the real people who are worth supporting. It makes people outside of Syria just a little more wary about wading in to offer support and help. This isn’t helpful.

There was a whole facebook campaign of people who wanted to do something to help an oppressed gay person in Syria, but they were wasting their time and energy on Tom fucking MacMaster. There were people who heard on the news about Amina’s kidnap, and who worried about her, and feared for what might be happening to her. Wasted, wasted energy.

I know there have been questions relating to The Guardian and other newspapers that perhaps didn’t verify their sources quite well enough, but it was a difficult situation, an elaborate lie and we’re still at the point where we expect people to be real if they say they’re real. Besides which, this detracts from the real fuckwit here; Tom MacMaster was the perpetrator of the lie. The culpability rests with him.

So why did he do this? (Quotes are all this article from The Guardian.)

‘some of my self-justification was that in having a completely fictional character being bold and forward, then it makes it easier for real people.’

Ah, no Tom. You mistook ‘making it easier’ for ‘making it significantly harder, and belittling their first-hand, honest reports.

‘I also had the thing that I like to write, and my own vanity is ... if you want to compliment me, tell you like my writing’

Ohhhh, so that was it. You wanted people to like you. How did that work out for you, you vile specimen of humanity? 

I can understand the sentiment though. I publish regularly and eagerly await people to feed my ego by telling me they like my writing. The only real difference is that if I’m making shite up as I go along, I PRESENT IT AS FICTION!

But why a lesbian? Why, why would he feel that that would ever be appropriate?

"to develop my writing conversation skills ... It's a challenge. I liked the challenge.”

OK, I like a writing challenge as much as the next person. Like MacMaster, I set myself the challenge of writing about homosexuality. I chose the vehicle of a male gay couple, and I have to admit, I have no experience of being part of a male gay couple, so it’s something of a stretch for me. However, to ensure that no-one got sucked in, formed an attachment to a person who didn’t exist or invest too much emotionally in the story, I PRESENTED IT AS FICTION!

It honestly isn’t that hard to push yourself as a writer without perpetrating a colossal lie! A lie in which people got hurt! Like the poor administrator in London whose photos he stole which were published in the press as the kidnapped lesbian Amina Abdullah Araf al Omari. Like the people he formed friendships and relationships with Amina, who offered support and care to her, people MacMaster was lying to and playing with.

‘I feel really guilty about that ... I got caught up in the moment and it seemed ... fun. And I feel a little like shit about that.”

He feels a little like shit? Oh. That’s OK then. As long as the lying, vile, dick-wad feels a little like shit, I guess that’s OK then.

You know what, Tom MacMaster, you are a little like shit.

The Tom MacMaster story was eventually linked to another story, that of the second belming fucktard of the week, Bill Graber, a 58 year old, straight male construction worker who has also been perpetrating the lie that he is in fact Paula Brooks, the executive editor of the lesbian website LezGetReal.com. Tom, and Bill apparently knew each other as Amina and Paula. Apparently, neither knew that the other was a man until last week.

Now, let’s look at Bill’s reasons for creating his lie. Again, quotes taken from this Guardian article.

“he had started the blog after witnessing the mistreatment of close lesbian friends.”

"I didn't start this with my name because … I thought people wouldn't take it seriously, me being a straight man,"

Really? He felt he could only address social injustices if they related directly to him? He couldn’t find a way to open his straight, male voice in order to speak up and say “this is wrong! It is wrong and offensive and even though it's not happening to me, I do not believe it is acceptable behaviour!”

I feel the need, right now, to stand up and say as a mostly-straight, generally confused, rubbish at relationships, sweary, sweary person, I believe that homophobia is wrong! While I’m here, I’ll also say that as a Caucasian female I believe that racism is wrong! As a young woman I believe that ageism is wrong! As an able bodied adult, I believe that prejudice against disabled people is wrong! I don't have to experience any of it first hand to be able to recognise glaring injustice when it happens!

I believe that all prejudice is immoral and it causes pain, anguish and fear to many thousands of people every day. I do not believe it is ever acceptable to cause pain, anguish or fear to any human being simply because they are different to you. In fact, I can’t imagine any circumstance where it might be right! It is utterly wrong!

I want to highlight this National Georgraphic article to you now. It’s by Cynthia Gorney, someone who was never a child bride:

Child Brides

I want people to read this, because I believe that more people should be informed about these things. I would urge you to take note of the things that are being done to help, and if you are so moved, to spread the message and support the organisations working with cultures to improve the futures of their children.

Think of the child Najood Ali who aged ten took herself to the local courthouse to file for divorce from her husband. Think of the child Reem who argued against and won over a judge who claimed she was too young, at twelve, to be able to take the decision to divorce. Think of Sunil, who at twelve stood against her parents and refused to marry the man chosen for her. She threatened to have them arrested. These children exist. These strong, brilliant children who are fighting to bring justice to their part of the world.

Think of those children and many others like them, and glory in their strength and wisdom. Highlight their stories as being victors and heroes and resolve to do something for the many thousands of other children who are being pushed into marriage against their will.

Or if you prefer, listen to the stories of your friends when they are being excluded because of their sexuality or their race and stand up and say that you believe it is wrong and that it needs to stop now.

Listen to the story of your neighbour who can’t get the help they need to support their disabled child or their elderly relative and try to make changes happen for them and for other people just like them.

If you see an injustice in this world and you want it to stop, then stand up and say so. It doesn’t matter what shape or colour you are or situation you live in. It doesn’t even matter how many people you think might hear you. It’s your voice, given to you, so damn it, speak up! And when you do so don’t hide behind the mask of someone else and blacken the whole think in vanity and dishonesty!

I am Pip Mulgrue. I am a mostly-straight, middle aged(ish), married, administrator from Brighton. That’s all that I am, and it’s likely that’s all I ever will be, that’s the only voice that I’ll ever have. I have that voice though, and I will use it as long as I’m able, to say over and over that prejudice is wrong, injustice is wrong, oppression is wrong, ownership of people is wrong, any form of abuse of any person is wrong, wrong, wrong!

That’s all I have to say. But please be assured that it is me who is saying it.