I have to admit; I probably chose the best time to start following politics closely. And the worst time. I’ve had real difficulty absorbing everything that’s happened in time for the next thing to happen. It’s been brilliant! And exhausting. Kind of like parenting.
Anyway, my mind got caught on this little quote from Andrew Sparrow’s Politics Blog (The Guardian) from Thursday 14th July.
10.02am: Nick Clegg is still taking questions. Mark Lewis, the solicitor for the Dowler family, asks if the Murdochs are "fit and proper" to own 39% of BSkyB if they are not "fit and proper" to own the other 61%.
Clegg says there needs to be a clearer definition of fit and proper.
Oh, and I should probably add a REALLY OBVIOUS DISCLAIMER here: I’m making this stuff up! I don’t know any politician at all, I’m not invited to any political discussions, and I really know fuck-all about anything!
Pip xxx
[We’re in a small, wood panelled room. Miliband and Clegg at either side of a large table. Miliband is flicking bits of paper at Clegg. Clegg is looking miserable. Cameron enters.]
Cameron: What-ho, chaps!
Miliband: Huh! I thought you’d turned invisible, Cammers.
Cameron: Ha bloody ha! And what the hell happened to you? You were all panicky and quivery last week and now you’re like some knight in shining armour come to rescue Britain from the tyrannical hold of the Press!
Miliband: And the police!
Clegg: And the politicians.
Cameron: No, Clegg, the politicians are entitled to their tyrannical holds. If the people don’t like it, they should vote for someone nicer.
Clegg: They did vote for someone nicer.
Cameron: Shut up. I think you’ve opened enough cans of worms this week, don’t you? Right lads. Fit and Proper Persons. Apparently we need a clearer definition of the term ‘Fit and Proper persons’. Right, what have you got?
Clegg: Nothing. We were waiting for you.
Cameron: Marvellous. OK, Clegg, write this down. ‘A fit and proper person is…’ OK, what is a fit and proper person? We must have something…
Clegg: Well, what about all those things that decent people don’t like. Couldn’t we just list them and say that if you do them, you’re clearly not fit and proper. You know, you’re not allowed to… er, have taken drugs!
Cameron: Yeah. I think I’d really rather leave drug taking out of it if it’s all the same to you.
Miliband: Besides, these are media people. If we banned them on the grounds of drug taking there’d be hardly anyone left.
Clegg: Well what about, you know, you have to be… nice.
Miliband: I refer you to my previous statement.
Clegg: Well, maybe we should think of some people we think are fit and proper, and then just describe them.
Cameron: Oo, good idea! Ok then. Actually, I think I’m fit and proper.
Miliband: So am I!
Clegg: And me!
Miliband: So what is it about us that makes us fit and proper?
Cameron: I went to Eton. That should count for something.
Clegg: I went to Westminster. Do you think that should count?
Cameron: Well it’s not as fit and proper as Eton, but it will probably do.
Miliband: I went to a comprehensive.
Cameron: [Sniggering] Well, maybe it was a good comprehensive.
Miliband: Well maybe you’re not as fit and proper as you think you are, Cameron! Anyhow, if the three of us are all fit and proper and we went to different schools, perhaps that can’t count.
Clegg: Actually, guys, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m not completely sure that I want to have people looking into how fit and proper I actually am. I think it might get a bit… y’know. Personal. And a bit… subjective. People might want us to fulfil our election promises.
Miliband: Mm. Yes. We wouldn't want that.
Cameron: OK, well while I’m still completely sure that I’m fit and proper, it might be as well to have a different example. Now, who do we know… who do we know…. I tell you want, Millers, you start.
Miliband: Errrrrrrr.
Clegg: Mmmmmmm.
Cameron: Oh come on, we must know one or two fit and proper people between the three of us!
Miliband: Not necessarily. We are politicians.
Clegg: Oh, I’ve got one!
Cameron: Let’s hear it then!
Clegg: I quite like Sheila.
Cameron: Sheila? Who the hell’s Sheila?
Clegg: You know, the woman in the tabard who brings around the tea and cakes.
Miliband: Oh, yeah. Sheila is all right actually. She certainly seems fit and proper.
Clegg: She saves a cupcake with sprinkles for me every day.
Cameron: I don’t get a cupcake with sprinkles!
Miliband: Nor do I!
Cameron: Oh, that’s OK then.
Miliband: I get a chocolate muffin.
Cameron: Well that’s totally unfair! I get shortbread. I mean, it’s nice shortbread as shortbread goes, but it’s not a cupcake or a chocolate muffin. No, clearly Sheila won’t do!
Miliband: Oh what grounds?
Cameron: She has favourites. And I’m not one of them.
Miliband: Yes. I think that part of the problem is that the people who do favour you, are the people who clearly aren’t ‘fit and proper’.
Cameron: Not all of them! Just one of them in fact! And it’s not like he can even vote for me, ‘cos he’s not British.
Clegg: Hey, that’s true! Couldn’t we just decide all of this is someone else’s problem?
Miliband: Well we could, but I think at this point the public have noticed that even though Murdoch doesn’t have a vote, he does seem to have an awful lot of power at Westminster. I mean, he even seems to have the power to completely ignore us if he wants, and it turns out that there’s nothing we can do about it.
Cameron: Mm. That was actually a bit embarrassing.
Clegg: OK, well what about this then. In order to be fit and proper, you should be prepared to present yourself to parliament at parliament’s request, to explain the actions of either yourself, or of people who have been acting under your employment. You should answer any questions that are put to you as honestly and concisely as you are able, and you shouldn’t lie or be evasive.
Miliband: Oh!
Cameron: Yes! Actually, that one’s quite good!
Clegg: Really? Brilliant. Although….
Cameron: What?
Clegg: Well, it occurs to me that you haven’t exactly been present and non-evasive of late, Cammers.
Cameron: Oh, shut up, Clegg.
(P.S. See what I mean? When I started writing this two hours ago, Rebekah Brooks was clinging to NI like a limpet on a sewer pipe! And now...)
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