Commentator 1: Welcome back to the Rio 2016 political incompetence race. This one has been rumbling along for a while now, but we should be able to take you all the way to the end of this heat.
Commentator 2: Can we hear the story until now?
Comm 1: Yes, just to recap, the UK Conservatives got off to a very good start with their ‘No plan’ move.
Comm 2: I understand they’d forgotten they’d be in power for Brexit negotiations!
Comm 1: Indeed. I believe they were able to make hay with the over-reliance of independent polling.
Comm 2: A good move.
Comm 1: We then saw them plunged into a leadership debate. They made excellent use of Gove with his bleeding knife, and they did manage to have a gloating mother who would not hire a male nanny…
Comm 2: Was the word paedophile mentioned?
Comm 1: It was. Unfortunately, this was under-reported by the press, and she dropped out of the race much sooner than anticipated. While May has pulled in a lot of Thatcher comparisons…
Comm 2: Any discussion of any traits other than her sex?
Comm 1: None at all. She’s deliberately making comparisons to Thatcher herself, and she’s made at least one joke in parliament about it…
Comm 2: Already?
Comm 1: Immediately. They also had the wonderful foresight of moving a racist into the Foreign Office, but I fear they may not catch up with UK Labour now.
Comm 2: I hear that UK Labour been gearing up for this for quite some time.
Comm 1: Yes, this is the culmination of a year’s worth of preparation. Most of the mass sackings were unfortunately just brushed over following the Tory Gove manoeuvre, but they did manage to pull out an early vote of no confidence.
Comm 2: A good move.
Comm 1: And they were able to follow that up immediately by the leader refusing to resign after that vote. And now, and I think you’ll agree that this is a sterling decision, they have split themselves into two parties, and have to put themselves into both first and second place!
Comm 2: So they’re running against each other?
Comm 1: Rather brilliantly, they are not split in any official regard, but they have definitely split ideologically.
Comm 2: That must be generating quite some confusion among the party membership!
Comm 1: Yes, indeed it is! They’ve been given a real boost by the membership standing by the current leader who has the respect of just a tiny proportion of the parliamentary party!
Comm 2: So I see they’re running towards the home straight now…
Comm 1: Let’s take a look at where we are…
Comm 2: I see we’ve got the continual batting between each other of general bullying.
Comm 1: Yes, and this slow, steady manoeuvre is what’s been keeping them nicely ahead.
Comm 2: Oh! And an accusation of conspiracy!
Comm 1: Nicely done!
Comm 2: And what have we got here… it’s a… it’s a failure to address the bullying!
Comm 1: Yes, this has also been a much used tactic. And now we’ve got…
Comm 2: Let me see… we’ve got…
Comm 1: Accusation of sexism! Intimidation! Further conspiracy and the de-registering of Labour Party members!
Comm 2: Brilliant work from UK Labour there!
Comm 1: We’ve got some Socialist slurs going on…
Comm 2: Is that alienating core membership?
Comm 1: It is! It is!
Comm 2: Wait! What are we seeing here?
Comm 1: Look at this! Look at this! This is Turkey’s president Erdoğan!
Comm 2: Yes! Turkey have shot ahead with an attempted coup!
Comm 1: Military?
Comm 2: Yes! And it’s chaos! I believe it’s based on… yes, it’s based on a chronic failure to deal with the Kurdish issue!
Comm 1: I don’t think I’ve seen a move like that since… what was it? The seventies?
Comm 2: Early eighties I think!
Comm 1: Early eighties! Wait… we have UK Labour trying to catch up…
Comm 2: What have we got here?
Comm 1: Another accusation… this time it’s… it’s… invasion of privacy!
Comm 2: Was the office vacated?
Comm 1: It was… No! It was not vacated!
Comm 2: For how long?
Comm 1: A month! No office space, apparently!
Comm 2: No office space! But what have we got from Turkey?
Comm 1: A return… I’m just trying to make it out… No, it’s a threat to return to the death penalty!
Comm 2: That should scupper any attempt to join the EU!
Comm 1: Mutterings of torture!
Comm 2: Mutterings of torture! Brilliant!
Comm 1: But we’re coming up to the finish line now!
Comm 2: And we’ve got…
Comm 1: Yes! It’s Turkey’s Erdoğan in Gold, and UK Labour take both Silver and Bronze!
Comm 2: I don’t think I’ve seen a finish like that for…
Comm 1: Well for many, many years.
Comm 2: I would go so far as to say that this was a monumental fuck up all round!
Comm 1: A monumental fuck up!
Comm 2: The final is going to have a lot to live up to here! Who are they meeting?
Comm 1: Well, the shock story of the first heat was the USA.
Comm 2: But they’ve been quiet for an awfully long time!
Comm 1: They have, but I hear that they have a trump card to play! So let’s see how that pans out…