Fortune Favours - Episode Two

Fortune Favours

Series 1 Episode 2 – The Brave

Character list

Alex – Radio presenter

Paul – Radio producer

Chris – Sound engineer

Shelly  – Workfare placement

Nicholas – Station manager

Veronica  – Radio presenter

Donna – Coffee shop owner

SCENE ONE

ALEX:                Right, are we ready?

CHRIS:              Ready Alex.

PAUL:               Go for it in three, two….

ALEX:                (CLOSE) Good morning, Sandyhaven!

PAUL:               Yuck.

ALEX:                Yuck?

PAUL:               Good morning, Vietnam. It’s so… thirty years ago.

ALEX:                It’s iconic.

PAUL:               It’s passé. You can do better. In fact you’ve done better, every day for two years. You don’t need to lean on Robin Williams.

SHELLY:           Oo, I totally would though.

CHRIS:              Really? He’s old now, you know.

SHELLY:           Yeah, still hot though.

CHRIS:              Shelly, what are you reading?

ALEX:                Our manifesto.

SHELLY:           It’s Alex’s science book from school.

ALEX:                And our manifesto.

SHELLY:           It’s a cracking read.

PAUL:               Have you got to the Oscar acceptance speech yet?

SHELLY:           Oh yeah!

CHRIS:              Let’s see… (PAGES TURNING) Alex, you’ve written an Oscar acceptance speech!

ALEX:                It pays to be prepared.

CHRIS:              But it refers to having only one leg! Just how prepared do you need to be?

SHELLY:           I think there’s definitely been a fall in education standards you know. My science lessons weren’t anything like Alex’s.

ALEX:                We were probably learning about salt. All we ever seemed to do was learn about salt.

CHRIS:              You seemed to do things other than learn about salt. This is great! Can I borrow it?

ALEX:                We should probably all read it.

PAUL:               Yes, if only for the three weeks where, with no sense of irony, she made detailed plans for colonising Uranus.

CHRIS:              (CHOKES)

SHELLY:           Oh, let me have it back! Where’s that?

CHRIS:              Why Uranus?

ALEX:                I don’t know! Why not? I think I wanted to prove that it was possible to have a discussion of Uranus without the whole class descending into puerile laughter.

CHRIS:              And was it?

SHELLY:         ‘Uranus is one of the dryer planets, so when approaching, it would be wise to ensure that water and other lubricating liquids were widely available.’ Hehehehe!

ALEX:                No, it was not. Shall we keep rehearsing?

CHRIS:              Who wants biscuits?

PAUL:               I’m not sure it’s sanitary to eat in here.

SHELLY:           Hehehe! Oh Lord. Chuck us one here.

PAUL:               Let’s get on shall we. Rehearsal, take two. Away you go Alex, in three, two…

ALEX:                (CLOSE) Good morning and welcome all of you to the new radio service for Sandyhaven. We hope to bring brightness to your day, and hope to your town. This is where you will hear about all those little developments that are going to change the face of Sandyhaven forever. This is where you’ll find out what’s on for you, and what you can do to give back to the town. So welcome one and all to Radio… Penguin.

SHELLY:           (SNIGGERS)

CHRIS:              (SNIGGERS)

ALEX:                What? I thought we all agreed! Yesterday Radio Penguin was considered the best name ever!

PAUL:               It’s a rubbish name.

ALEX:                Then why did you all agree?

PAUL:               Because it was two in the morning, and we all wanted you to go away and, I don’t know, maybe pass out somewhere. Did you sleep at all?

ALEX:                There’s no time to sleep! We’ve got too much on! We need to rehearse, we need to get the flyers sorted, the studio could still do with a clean, we need to fill out the Ofcom licence form, and now, apparently, we’ve got to choose a name, which has to happen before the flyers and registration form!

PAUL:               So when we were all asleep, where were you?

ALEX:                Trying to get the bloodstain out of the carpet.

SHELLY:           So you’re not only sleep deprived, but you’re also slightly high on cleaning products. I’ve got a cousin like you.

PAUL:               But the bloodstain’s still there.

ALEX:                I couldn’t get it out.

CHRIS:              No, but it doesn’t look like Margaret Thatcher any more. Now it’s more like…

PAUL:               William Hague.

CHRIS:              Yeah. But is that better or worse?

ALEX:                This is why I can’t sleep! The studio still has Tory ministers leering at us from the carpet!

PAUL:               We have time, Alex. Go home and go to bed.

ALEX:                We’ve got to get the form to Ofcom by Monday, and we can’t do that without a name!

PAUL:               Fine. Naming discussion open.

SHELLY:           What about Radio Bloodstain.  

PAUL:               I’m not sure that’s the image we’re going for. What sort of biscuits have we got?

CHRIS:              They’re Garibaldis.

ALEX:                Radio Garibaldi.

CHRIS:              Catch.

PAUL:               Urgh.

SHELLY:           You can’t catch for toffee, Paul.

ALEX:                Radio Toffee.

CHRIS:              This one’s for you, Shelly. Oo! Good catch!

SHELLY:           I was Goal Defence on the school netball team for three years.

ALEX:                Radio… Netball.

CHRIS:              Is she still awake?

ALEX:                Radio… Awake.

PAUL:               Hard to tell. Can I have another one?

CHRIS:              Eat your first one. We haven’t got resources to waste on spare biscuits.

PAUL:               But it landed by a pile of… something.

SHELLY:           Rat droppings.

PAUL:               But now I can’t tell what’s rat droppings and what’s raisins.

ALEX:                Radio Rat Droppings.

PAUL:               We decided against Radio Rat Droppings last week, Alex.

ALEX:                Sorry, what? What?

PAUL:               Alex, go home, and go to bed. Please.

ALEX:                I’m fine. If I have to stay up from now until Monday to get this done, then that’s what I’ll do. Fortune Favours the Brave, Paul. Do you know what that means?

PAUL:               It means that people who do stupid things get all that they have coming to them.

ALEX:                It means sometimes you’ve just got to hold your breath and leap in and…

SHELLY:           Get eaten by sharks?

ALEX:                …and you’ll swim.

CHRIS:              Or sink.

ALEX:                We’ll swim. I promise you.

FX:                      DOOR OPENING

NICHOLAS:    Aha! Here are the intrepid bunch. Let me introduce you to Veronica, the delightful owner of the building in which you all sit. Veronica, here is Studio Three. I think you can see our problem?

ALEX:                Problem?

VERONICA:   Nicholas was kind enough to contact me with regards to some concerns about this studio.

PAUL:               Was he indeed?

VERONICA:   He was.

NICHOLAS:    It’s health and safety, you see. I don’t know how I could have it on my conscience if one of you lovely people were to become ill due to insanitary conditions.

PAUL:               So says the person who sacked the station cleaner as a money saving measure. Have you had a look in the kitchen on floor two, Veronica? There’s a whole new genus in there. I think a group of coffee mugs have banded together and formed a school.

NICHOLAS:    Oh, I fully intend to give Veronica a full tour of the building. I think it’s important for the dear lady to see how a good station should be run.

VERONICA:   It actually doesn’t look too bad in here.

NICHOLAS:    To an untrained eye, certainly. However, if I may direct your gaze to that corner, that is a pile of rat droppings.

VERONICA:   Next to the biscuit?

SHELLY:           Next to the blood stain.

VERONICA:   Is that William Hague?

NICHOLAS:    Now, dear lady, I wouldn’t want you to be tainted by the atmosphere in here. I just thought you should see it before you condemn it.

PAUL:               That’s not fair!

ALEX:                No!

VERONICA:   Hang on a second though, Nicholas, I was aware that there was cleaning to be done down here and it’s all pre-arranged. I admit I had expected for it to be further on…

NICHOLAS:    There we are then. They haven’t made the deadline.

PAUL:               What deadline?

VERONICA:   He is right; I didn’t set a deadline. It’s only fair that we make a reasonable timeframe…

NICHOLAS:    How about by tomorrow.

SHELLY:           What?

VERONICA:   How about next Monday. You’ll have three days. Does that suit?

PAUL:               Well, Monday is the deadline for the Ofcom form, so we might as well make it a double whammy.

VERONICA:   Good then, that’s sorted. Now, I think you wanted to show me your kitchen, Nicholas.

NICHOLAS:    Of course, of course. Step this way, dear lady.

ALEX:                Oh, Nicholas?

NICHOLAS:    What?

ALEX:                I was wondering if we could borrow your vacuum cleaner. Well, not your one; the station’s one.

NICHOLAS:    Alas, young lady, the new cleaning firm have locked it away and I don’t keep the key to the cupboard.

FX:                      DOOR CLOSES.

SHELLY:           Great.

CHRIS:              Fabulous.

ALEX:                It’ll all be fine! We can do this if we all work together! Come on now, guys; fortune favours the brave!

PAUL:               Yeah, Alex, maybe we need to start considering the possibility…

FX:                      DOOR OPENS

NICHOLAS:    Paul, old man, I’m just checking; you do know this isn’t going to happen, don’t you?

ALEX:                Yes it will!

NICHOLAS:    Don’t be silly now.

ALEX:                It will, Nicholas, because…

SHELLY:           (QUIET) Don’t say it.

ALEX:                Because, Nicholas…

PAUL:               (QUIET) Oh God, please don’t say it.

ALEX:                Because fortune favours the brave!

NICHOLAS:    Ahahaha! Oh deary me! The brave! And that’s you, is it?

ALEX:                Yes it is!

NICHOLAS:    Hahaha! Yes indeed. Taking a rally cry of World War One for use in a pathetic community radio station. That’s exactly like you, Alex. Here, Paul. Catch.

FX:                      PAPER RUSTLING

SHELLY:           Seriously, Paul, you can’t catch.

PAUL:               What’s this?

NICHOLAS:    The guidance notes for that form you’re attempting to complete.

PAUL:               It’s forty-three pages long.

NICHOLAS:    It’s an important form. I suggest you read it, old chap, and eventually you’ll get to the part where you realise that this is never going to happen. Not even with brave little Alex here.

ALEX:                It will happen.

NICHOLAS:    Yes. You see, the part that bothers me most isn’t you, Alex. It’s Paul here. He used to be a sensible, intelligent radio producer, and you’ve tainted him. You, of course, have never been anything other than a silly little girl.

VERONICA:   Sorry to interrupt, Nicholas, but I have a busy schedule.

NICHOLAS:    Oh, of course, of course, my dear. I’m right with you.

FX:                      DOOR CLOSING

CHRIS:              Don’t let him worry you, Alex.

PAUL:               Ignore him. He’s best ignored.

ALEX:                Yes. I suppose.

FX:                      PAPER RIPPING

PAUL:               Shelly! What are you doing?

SHELLY:           Our manifesto. It ought to be prominently displayed. Here, Chris, stick this up.

CHRIS:              ‘We will keep the town informed of discussions and actions raised at the town council meetings.’ Yes. We should definitely do that.

SHELLY:           Here, Alex. One for you.

ALEX:                ‘We will decide in committee which local campaigns to put the force of the station behind, and we will ensure all citizens are aware of these.’

SHELLY:           Hang it up. Here, Paul.

PAUL:               ‘Uranus contains many noxious gasses, so it is advisable to have your own, portable oxygen supply for deep expeditions.’ Wise words.

SHELLY:           Sorry! Here. Try this one.

PAUL:               ‘We will make Sandyhaven a better place.’

CHRIS:              We will, Alex.

SHELLY:           We totally will.

PAUL:               We will.

ALEX:                Do you really think so?

PAUL:               Of course. Well, it’s hard to see how we’d make it any worse. Now; rehearse, intrepid leader.

SCENE TWO

ATMOS: PAUL'S FLAT. EARLY.

FX:                      DOORBELL

PAUL:               OK! OK! I’m coming! Shelly? What’s happened? Is everything all right?

SHELLY:           Yeah. Course.

PAUL:               Then why are you here at… at six in the morning?

SHELLY:           Because your text said to get here urgently.

PAUL:               What?

CHRIS:              (PANTING) Is everything OK? What’s up?

PAUL:               Nothing’s up. Why are you here?

CHRIS:              The text you sent… (PANTS) said it was urgent.

PAUL:               Oh God, has my phone been stolen? No, it’s here… with six new texts from you, Chris.

CHRIS:              What the hell?

SHELLY:           Are all of our phones haunted?

ALEX:                Good morning everyone! You’re all here on time then!

PAUL:               Alex!

ALEX:                Mm?

PAUL:               Did you steal my phone to text Chris and Shelly?

ALEX:                No!

PAUL:               Then what the hell did you do?

ALEX:                I stole Chris and Shelly’s phones, and changed my contact name to Paul.

PAUL:               Why?

ALEX:                Because they won’t answer my texts anymore.

PAUL:               And you changed it to Chris in my phone.

ALEX:                Yes. I noticed that you’ll respond to Chris on average twenty minutes sooner than you’ll respond to Shelly, so it made the best sense.

SHELLY:           Hey! Actually, I don’t care. Is there coffee?

CHRIS:              That’s really devious, Alex.

ALEX:                I’m sorry.

CHRIS:              No, I’m impressed.

FX:                      BEEPING

ALEX:                What are you doing?

PAUL:               I’m changing the name on your contact card.

FX:                      MORE BEEPING

ALEX:                Alex only has four letters.

PAUL:               That’s not what I’m changing it to.

ALEX:                While you do that, I bet you’re all wondering why I called you all here.

SHELLY:           I’m still stuck on how you called us all here. I keep my phone up close and personal.

ALEX:                I have deft fingers. Anyhow, with all the drama yesterday, I forgot to show you the leaflets. Here, what do you think?

PAUL:               This is a picture of a penguin.

ALEX:                That’s because I drew it when we were still penguin radio. But watch what happens when I do this…

FX                       SQUEEKY PEN

CHRIS:              You’ve given the penguin an eyepatch.

ALEX:                Yeah. To reflect the piratical history of Sandyhaven.

SHELLY:           Did there used to be pirates in Sandyhaven?

ALEX:                Yes! Probably. I don’t see why not.

SHELLY:           You are proper mental.

ALEX:                And I’ve just thought! Pirate Radio! Why didn’t we think of it before! It’s such a catchy phrase!

PAUL:               You want to call a perfectly legal radio station, Pirate Radio?

ALEX:                Yes! Of course!

PAUL:               I might let you sleep on that one. Hopefully sometimes soon.

ALEX:                Fine, so I’ll leave you to fill in the registration form, and if I take the flyer and just do this hat… and this cutlass… and there we go!

CHRIS:              (PAUSE) Well that’s… that’s…

PAUL:               Yes, I agree.

SHELLY:           A pirate penguin.

ALEX:                It’s defending the town from the killer whale of civic lethargy. Hang on (DRAWS). Now what do you think?

CHRIS:              So how does it represent the town?

ALEX:                Oh! That can be the ice flow that the penguin’s on! (DRAWS).

SHELLY:           Are there solvents in that pen?

ALEX:                Maybe it needs the seagulls of corporate irresponsibility (DRAWS).

PAUL:               And the sunshine of hope?

ALEX:                Oh, yes!

CHRIS:              And the sea-bass of unemployment.

ALEX:                OK… There!

PAUL:               The trouble is, that’s no longer an advertising flyer. It’s now a seascape. You came to my flat at six in the morning to draw a seascape.

SHELLY:           And it’s not even the seascape from our town. It’s the Arctic.

CHRIS:              Antarctic. Penguins and killer whales belong to the southern hemisphere.

PAUL:               Either way; definitely not Sandyhaven. Alex, leave the posters for a bit.

ALEX:                OK, so now what?

PAUL:               Now, Alex, you and I are going to take a brisk stroll around the town while you breathe deeply, and then I’m going to tip you into bed. We will meet at the studio at eleven as planned, and until then, you need to be unconscious.

SCENE THREE

ATMOS: DONNA'S COFFEE SHOP.

DONNA:          Morning Paul. Your usual cappuccino?

PAUL:               Strong black coffee. (YAWNS)

DONNA:          Shall I make it a double shot?

PAUL:               Better make it three.

CHRIS:              Morning there. Coffee please.

DONNA:          Strong and black?

CHRIS:              Yep.

DONNA:          Alex up and in action then?

PAUL:               Yep.

DONNA:          I’ll give you one for Shelly too.

CHRIS:              Donna, you know how you know how to keep people awake, don’t you?

DONNA:          I’ve been selling coffee and various other substances since you were still in short trousers. You want to stay awake until Thursday, I can make it happen.     

PAUL:               I don’t think our problem is too much sleep.

CHRIS:              Yes, that’s what I mean. Donna, what would you give to someone who had precisely the opposite problem?

DONNA:          Oo, now that’s given me pause for thought.

CHRIS:              Are there any of your various substances that might work for that?

PAUL:               We can’t drug Alex.

CHRIS:              You know what Alex thinks about the word ‘can’t’, Paul.

PAUL:               OK, then we shouldn’t drug Alex.

CHRIS:              I can live with ‘Shouldn’t’. See you later, Donna.

SHELLY:           Morning both. (YAWNS)

CHRIS:              We’ve got you one of Donna’s dynamos.

SHELLY:           Ta. Did Alex get some sleep?

PAUL:               When I left her, she was dutifully promising me she would go to sleep.

SHELLY:           Yeah, that’s bound to have worked.

PAUL:               I promised that we’d get the form started without her. Let’s go down.

FX:                      WALKING DOWN STAIRS

CHRIS:              You should have tied her to the bed.

PAUL:               I’m not tying Alex to a bed!

SHELLY:           You could have borrowed my handcuffs.

PAUL:               I’m certainly not handcuffing Alex to the bed! Oh God, the image!

CHRIS:              Oh yes, the image.

PAUL:               She gave me her word, and you know what Alex is like about promises. She won’t leave her bed until the very dot of eleven.

SHELLY:           I’ll bet you a Victoria Sponge that she’s not in bed.

FX:                      DOOR OPENING

ALEX:                Good morning! There you all are! I was wondering! Is one of those coffees for me?

PAUL:               Good God, you’re like something from the demon dimension.

CHRIS:              Alex, I thought you promised Paul that you’d stay in bed.

ALEX:                Yes, and I did!

PAUL:               No.

ALEX:                That was yesterday! We’ve had a whole day since then! And you’ll be pleased to know I’ve spent that day productively.

CHRIS:                     Have you?

ALEX:                Yes! I’ve done the fliers so that Chris and Shelly can start handing them out! Here you are.

PAUL:               So we’re called Radio Lighthouse now, are we?

ALEX:                Yes, like we decided.

PAUL:               We never decided that.

ALEX:                Did we not? Gosh, I really thought we did. Were you not at my place last night then?

PAUL:               No. I last saw you five hours ago, when I walked you to the door. You promised that you’d go to bed, and I walked home.

ALEX:                So the meeting in my kitchen…

PAUL:               Didn’t happen.

ALEX:                Oh. Well, I’d better catch you all up then. Shelly pointed out that my seascape was a good idea, though not Sandyhaven, Chris suggested I drew a seascape of Sandyhaven, I started with the pier…

PAUL:               Oh God, not the pier!

ALEX:                Paul expressed his reservations about the pier, so I drew our other landmark! The Sandyhaven lighthouse!

PAUL:               So you did.

SHELLY:           It’s er…

CHRIS:              It does look quite like the Sandyhaven lighthouse, I suppose.

ALEX:                Thank you!

CHRIS:              I’m just not sure that’s a good thing.

PAUL:               Alex, have you ever heard the town nickname for the lighthouse?

ALEX:                The knob? Because it sticks out into the sea?

PAUL:               That’s not why.

SHELLY:           It’s because it looks like…

ALEX:                What?

SHELLY:           Let me hold it up from here. Now, what do you think?

ALEX:                It looks like the lighthouse. Our lighthouse. With the rounded top of the defunct observatory on the right, and the matching dome of the world war two supply centre to the left. I thought it was better to keep them on the picture, so people knew it was our lighthouse. Not just a random one.

CHRIS:              So this particular shape doesn’t remind you of anything?

ALEX:                No.

PAUL:               Hang on; what if I draw the unique split window at the top. How about now?

ALEX:                No.

SHELLY:           Alex, it looks like a huge willy.

ALEX:                No it… Oh. Yes. I see it now.

SHELLY:           So basically, you’re asking me to stand in the town centre, and pass out pictures of a big knob.

ALEX:                No, I…

SHELLY:           And while I’m not against that in principle…

PAUL:               Let’s not start the station’s life with a public indecency charge.

ALEX:                Damn it! I’ve had two thousand of these printed! Oh, I know! How about I draw the beaming light coming out of it? Like this…

SHELLY:           Now it looks like a willy with a bit of a problem.

PAUL:               (KEYBOARD TAPPING) Actually, I’ve found a tiny problem with name too.

ALEX:                What’s that?

PAUL:               There’s already a Radio Lighthouse.

ALEX:                Where? I’ve never heard them.

PAUL:               Not here. It’s out in the Caribbean.

ALEX:                Then that’s fine! There’s clearly no competition there.

PAUL:               Apart from they’re big in the Caribbean, and they’re the number one return on Google, and…

ALEX:                What?

PAUL:               Well, look.

ALEX:                Radio Lighthouse, the station that brings the word of God into your home. Mm. Right.

PAUL:               Yes.

ALEX:                Maybe we should let them keep it.

PAUL:               Yes.

SHELLY:           I wonder if their logo’s a ginormous willy?

CHRIS:              I’m willing to bet it’s not.

PAUL:               Right, so we still have no name, no marketing leaflets, a studio full of rat-droppings, and a blood stain on the carpet. I think it’s going well. Well what next, Alex? Alex? Er… Alex?

ALEX:                Hm? What? What is it?

PAUL:               Did you just fall asleep standing up?

ALEX:                No, of course not. Can’t sleep now! Too much to do. I’m going to go and ask Tina if we can borrow the vacuum cleaner.

FX:                      DOOR CLOSING

SHELLY:           Are you absolutely sure you can’t handcuff her to a bed.

CHRIS:              If you can’t, I certainly could.

PAUL:               No.

CHRIS:              Well then the question of drugging her neatly raises itself again.

PAUL:               No. Well, not if we don’t think she’s a danger to herself or other people.

CHRIS:              She thinks we had a meeting in her kitchen.

PAUL:               Yes. She also thinks she’s ordered a thousand flyers. Let’s hope that’s also a figment of her imagination.

CHRIS:              She does have one hell of an imagination though, doesn’t she.

PAUL:               Yes. The problem with that is…

FX:                      DOOR OPENS

ALEX:                She said no.

PAUL:               You surprise me. Alex, you need to go to bed.

ALEX:                I’m fine! You fuss too much. How are you getting on with the form?

PAUL:               We’ve not started it yet.

ALEX:                But you said you’d do it yesterday!

PAUL:               Yes! And yesterday hasn’t happened yet!

ALEX:                Fine. Let’s do it now.

CHRIS:              Let’s see. Name. Let’s leave that a bit. Address… I guess here will do. What does the forty-three page document say about all of this?

PAUL:               Nothing about name and address. They must think that’s pretty basic.

CHRIS:              ‘Does the station meet the criteria of a community radio station.’

SHELLY:           (PAUSE) Well we are a radio station in the community.

PAUL:               I suspect they want more. Let’s see… OK, here’s what they want; ‘in order to be a community radio station’, blah, blah, blah… Right, we need to be primarily for the good of the community.

ALEX:                We are.

SHELLY:           Well we’re certainly not doing it for the good of our health.

CHRIS:              I’m really not sure about Alex’s health. Alex, why are you crawling around the floor?

ALEX:                I’m fine. I’m just picking up the rat droppings.

SHELLY:           Ew!

PAUL:               With your hands?

ALEX:                Of course with my hands! I’m hardly going to suck them up with my mouth, am I? Though it would be quicker…

PAUL:               Don’t suck them up with your mouth, Alex. Next, be intended to serve the community… well, we are, and, hang on, this sounds important. ‘Must not be provided to make financial profit, and must use any profit produced wholly and exclusively to secure and improve the future provision of the service…’

SHELLY:           (PAUSE) Why’s everyone gone quiet?

CHRIS:              I think it means we can’t be paid.

PAUL:               Not necessarily. I think we can be paid if paying us would secure and improve future provision of the service.

CHRIS:              Do you think?

ALEX:                We don’t actually need to be paid…

PAUL:               Yes, I know you think that the glow of public service will keep us warm and replete, but some of us live in the real world where it gets cold.

ALEX:                Agree for now. Something will sort itself out.

PAUL:               I’m not sure it…

ALEX:                What’s next?

PAUL:               Members of the community should be offered the opportunity to participate in the operation and management of the service.

ALEX:                OK.

PAUL:               OK? You want people telling us how to run the station?

ALEX:                Offered the operation to participate. That doesn’t mean they can run a dictatorship. You can check the box, Chris. What’s next?

CHRIS:              Er… we have to list our key commitments.

PAUL:               Well the writing’s on the wall for that one.

ALEX:                What do you… Oh! You mean literally! Oh that’s funny. Hehehehe!

PAUL:               Yes quite.

ALEX:                Oh that’s brilliant! The writing’s on the wall!

CHRIS:              Alex, are you sure you’re OK?

ALEX:                Yes! The writing! Oh that’s fantastic! Oh dear! Where’s the bin?

SHELLY:           What?

ALEX:                The bin. I need to put the rat droppings in the bin.

CHRIS:              A bin is on the list of the things we can’t afford yet.

SHELLY:           Here. Put them in this jar.

PAUL:               Where did you get a jar?

SHELLY:           From the cupboard. Someone’s brought their own coffee and tea because they’re a sad loser who didn’t like to share.

PAUL:               Stay out of my cupboard, Shelly.

CHRIS:              Alex? (PAUSE) Alex?

SHELLY:           It’s like she’s just frozen.

PAUL:               Alex?

ALEX:                What? Is it in? Have we finished?

PAUL:               No. No not yet.

FX:                      DOOR OPENING.

NICHOLAS:    Still all hard at it, I see. Marvellous, marvellous.

PAUL:               What do you want, Nicholas?

NICHOLAS:    Oh, I’m just here for fun. This honestly is the funniest joke I’ve heard in a long, long time! How are you getting on with the Ofcom form?

PAUL:               It’s in. It’s fine. It’s submitted.

NICHOLAS:    Despite the little problem detailed in paragraph 2.13 have you? good!

ALEX:                2.13?

NICHOLAS:    Why don’t you read it to the group, Paul. It’s ever so funny.

ALEX:                Paul?

PAUL:             (PAGES TURNING)  ‘Applicants should note that where a community radio licence overlaps with any other local licence, and the potential audience is up to 150,000 adults, Ofcom muse include such conditions in the community radio licence as are appropriate to prohibit the inclusion in the licensed service any remunerated advertisements and sponsorship.

NICHOLAS:    Hahahaha! Do you see? Do you see how funny?

SHELLY:           I don’t…

NICHOLAS:    Young lady, I’m afraid you very much overlap with an existing local commercial service! Heck, you’re just down the stairs from Radio Sandyhaven!

SHELLY:           So?

PAUL:               It means we can’t advertise or have sponsorship.

CHRIS:              And without advertising or sponsorship…

ALEX:                We can’t afford to run.

NICHOLAS:    You know, they’re all wrong! This joke is even funnier when you dissect it!

PAUL:               Well, thanks for your input, Nicholas.

ALEX:                Oh, Nicholas?

NICHOLAS:    What?

ALEX:                We can’t pay our contributors yet, but we can at least offer you refreshments.

PAUL:               Can we?

ALEX:                Chocolate drop for you? It’s all we can afford.

NICHOLAS:    Then I certainly won’t disappoint you by refusing... (CHOKES) Oh good God!

FX:                      DOOR SLAMS

ALL                    (LAUGHTER)

SHELLY:           Oh, Alex! That was genius!

CHRIS:              I almost feel sorry for him.

PAUL:               Yeah. Though, all joking aside, we’re at the point where Alex is feeding rat droppings to her old boss. Chris, remember that task that we were talking about earlier? With Donna?

ALEX:                What task?

PAUL:               Just a little something that Chris offered to do earlier. You don’t need to do anything at all.

CHRIS:              OK, I’m on it. I’ll be back in a bit.

FX:                      DOOR CLOSES

ALEX:                Fine. I’ll take over with the form.

PAUL:               Are we really going to keep going with the form? We can’t run, Alex. We can’t afford to rent the studio without sponsorship.

ALEX:                Yes. I suppose that's true. But we said we’d complete the form and clean the studio by tomorrow, and even if can’t run the station, I think we should make a stab at meeting those commitments. Otherwise, we haven’t done anything. Now, are we fit and proper persons to own and manage a radio station?

SHELLY:           I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m amazing.

ALEX:                Check that then! Oh, this is easy!

FX:                      DOOR OPENING

CHRIS:              Here, Alex, I got you this cup of…

ALEX:                Cup of what?

CHRIS:              Let’s call it tea.

ALEX:                Is it tea?

CHRIS:              It’s very like tea. It’s hot and liquid. Drink it.

ALEX:                Mm. It’s very nice. Thank you.

CHRIS:              It’s one of Donna’s delights. I’m glad you like it. Maybe you should sit down while you drink it though.

ALEX:                OK. Mm, this really is good.

PAUL:               Good. I’m going to leave you to it for a bit, while I go home and get my vacuum cleaner.

SHELLY:           Why didn’t you just do that three days ago?

PAUL:               Because three days ago, I wasn’t sure this was all going to work. Today, I’m pretty convinced it has to.

SHELLY:           Because of Alex?

ALEX:                Sorry, what? What’s happening?

PAUL:               Because of Nicholas. You stay here and relax, Alex. I’ll be back in a bit.

SCENE FOUR

FX:                      VACUUM CLEANER.

SHELLY:           Right, the paint is dry.

FX:                      VACUUM CLEANER OFF

PAUL:               What?

SHELLY:           The walls are dry, so I’m going to get started on the lettering. Which do we want where?

CHRIS:              'Make Sandyhaven a better place' should be on the back wall, so that you see it as soon as you walk in.

SHELLY:           Right-o.

PAUL:               I think I’ve done all I can do for now. How are you getting on with the bloodstain?

CHRIS:              It’s going well. I knew Alex would think of something.

SHELLY:           Alex? Did she wake up?

PAUL:               I don’t think so.

ALEX:                (GENTLE SNORING)

CHRIS:              Aw. What’s she using as a pillow?

SHELLY:           My big woolly jumper, with Paul’s trench coat for a blanket. How did she help with the stain?

CHRIS:              She reminded me that one of the many qualities of salt is that it’s great for getting blood out of stuff. It’s too old to be properly effective, but it’s now a lot more…

PAUL:               Nick Clegg.

CHRIS:              And Nick Clegg is really easy to overlook.

SHELLY:           Brilliant!

PAUL:               In our entirely hypothetical radio station, where we’re making loads of hypothetical money, we’d probably just replace the hypothetical carpet tile. But for now, Nick Clegg will do.

CHRIS:              Tell me, if this is all so hypothetical, why are you working so hard on it?

PAUL:               I just think it would be nice for Alex to wake up in a nice, clean studio with all her work on display. It’ll probably only happen to her once in her whole life.

SHELLY:           Aw, Paul, you’re quite soft, aren’t you!

PAUL:               And it’s something to do. You know, might as well stay active and all that.

CHRIS:              Job search not going well then?

PAUL:               I’ve been a bit distracted. I thought I’d get properly stuck into it tomorrow.

SHELLY:           It’s going to be a bit weird not being all together any more.

CHRIS:              I’m sure we’ll still get together from time to time.

PAUL:               Yeah. Course we will. Especially if the Hell Demon keeps texting us all for emergency meetings.

ALEX:                (GENTLE SNORES)

SHELLY:           Bless her cotton socks. She looks so peaceful when she’s asleep.

FX:                      DOOR OPENING

VERONICA:   Hello there, I’m sorry, am I interrupting?

PAUL:               No, not at all, please come in. Is Nicholas with you?

VERONICA:   No, he’s had to take the day off sick. Poor man. Goodness, I love what you’ve done here! Doesn't it look marvellous!

CHRIS:              We were led by the best.

VERONICA:   Yes, I think maybe you were. Is Alex here?

PAUL:               She’s under the desk.

VERONICA:   Oh, so she is. Can she be woken?

PAUL:               Well, she’s been asleep for twenty hours by my reckoning. I think it should be safe now.

SHELLY:           Alex? Alex, Veronica is here.

ALEX:                What? (THUD) Ow! What’s up? What’s happening? Hello? Where am… what have you done! Oh, my, what have you done?

CHRIS:              Do you like it?

ALEX:                It’s… it’s… it’s amazing. Oh look! On the walls ‘we will make Sandyhaven a better plac!’

SHELLY:           It will say place when I’ve finished.

ALEX:                This is probably the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me! It’s beautiful. Thank you.

CHRIS:              It’s our pleasure, Alex.

PAUL:               You know what? It really is. Have a hug.

SHELLY:           And me!

CHRIS:              Well if there are hugs going around…

ALEX:                And one for… oh, hello, Veronica. We’ve tidied. Well, mostly they did.

VERONICA:   It looks marvellous, Alex. Really well done.

ALEX:                It was lovely of them, but I’m sure you’ve heard by now that we can’t use the studio after all. Your terms are extremely generous, but slightly too high for our pockets. We can’t advertise, so we can’t run.

VERONICA:   Yes, Nicholas delighted in letting me know. I’m sorry, Alex.

PAUL:               We all are.

VERONICA:   But I did think it was worth checking Nicholas’s facts and figures.

PAUL:               We checked thoroughly; we can’t do it. We can only accept donations, and I’m pretty sure that standing with a tin in the shopping centre isn’t going to be enough to cover a tiny fraction of the rent.

VERONICA:   Oh, rent schment. I’d already decided to wave that.

PAUL:               Really?

VERONICA:   Really. What difference does it make to me if this studio is empty or full? Nicholas has made it abundantly clear that he’s not going to allow anyone else to use it, but nor is he prepared to pay for it himself. So go ahead – have it. It’s a donation from me to you.

PAUL:               That’s astonishingly generous of you, Veronica!

VERONICA:   Yes, isn’t it. And this is even better – I can’t pay you much in the way of salary, certainly not the level to which you’ve been paid before….

SHELLY:           You could probably cover my costs.

VERONICA:   But I could probably donate a small something to ease your way for a little while.

ALEX:                That’s… I mean, thank you, thank you, but why?

VERONICA:   For two reasons. The first is that I grew up here too, Alex. I went to Sandyhaven junior and to Sandyhaven High, and then I fled.

PAUL:               Wisely.

VERONICA:   Yes, perhaps, but I never forgot the place. I’ve bought buildings and invested here. I couldn’t quite shake it off, and the other day, Alex reminded me that the town isn’t full of Nicholases. When I was here more often, I too saw people who wanted to change things. People who wanted to make a difference. Apparently they’re still here.

PAUL:               I’ve met one of them.

VERONICA:   But there are more. Little pockets of interested people who want to help, and I wonder if perhaps they need a unifying force.

SHELLY:           Like Alex.

VERONICA:   Like this radio station.

CHRIS:              What was the other reason?

VERONICA:   Oh, that was pure Nicholas. You know, I’ve spent my whole working life trying not to punch the lights out of over-privileged little boys who throw about the ‘dear lady’s’ and the ‘little girls’ as if our whole sex is nothing but an amusing sight as they bluster their way through to the top. I think he needs some good, solid competition. Don’t let him win, Alex.

ALEX:                I won’t.

VERONICA:   I know you won’t. Plus, of course it’s going to be hilarious to tell him. I might go and wish him well now, just to see the look on his face.

ALEX:                Give him my love.

VERONICA:   I will.

ALEX:                Veronica, if I might be so bold, could we name the station after you?

VERONICA:   But you’ve already got the perfect name!

ALEX:                Have we?

VERONICA:   Of course you do. You favour the brave, remember?

ALEX:                Oh!

PAUL:               It’s brilliant.

CHRIS:              It is! It really is!

SHELLY:           I don’t get it.

PAUL:               (TAPPING) It doesn’t seem to be widely used.

ALEX:                Add it to the form! Do it now.

PAUL:               OK.

FX:                      KEYBOARD TAPPING

PAUL:               Here you go, Alex. You get to hit ‘send’.

FX:                      TAP

SHELLY:           It’s in!

PAUL:               And here’s the confirmation. Thank you for submitting your application for a community radio licence for your station, Radio Fortune. We will contact you in four to six weeks.’ There we go! It’s in! Now, I suggest we all go home and get some well earned rest.

ALEX:                Or a hike across Sandyhaven heights! Who’s for it?

PAUL:               Got any more of that tea, Chris?