Therapy

Sorry, I have no intention of continually harping on about my various health problems, but I was thinking about this, and wanted to log it here.

Going through therapy was, quite frankly, the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever done in my life.  There was one session out of sixteen where I didn’t cry at all. The vast majority of them had me in a sobbing, wasted heap on the floor.  But the procedure, in my case, was absolutely worth it.

Here is a random analogy. You're standing by the side of a fast running torrent of water. The side you're on is stormy and thorny and full of danger and things jumping out at you to attack you. You're terrified the entire time. The other side is lush green meadows. You must to get to that meadow, but to get there, you have to go through the water. 

That water looks scary. It looks dark and murky. It looks like it might kill you. You feel like there’s no way of getting through it without drowning and being swept away. 

However, there are some things that look like they might help you over, rocks and branches and shallow spots. On the other hand, there are also terrifying waterfalls and deep holes and tangling weeds.  Your only guide is a person who has a wealth of knowledge about crossing this river.  They can hear you, but they can’t see you or what's in the river. The only way to get across is to share with the guide what you can see.

So you have to say, "Right now, weeds to my left, a rock in front of me and a whirlpool to my right. Should I try the rock?" The therapist can then say, "is the rock green?" and you can say "Yes."  The therapist might say, "Avoid the rock, in my experience that rock will be too slippery for you to hold on to. Try the weeds, they look like they'll tangle you, but I know they're strong and will take your weight."

It's terrifying. It takes a massive leap of faith, it can be shockingly painful to be in that water, but you have to get to the other side.

It might be that you take the weeds and they give way and you're clinging to the rock anyway.

It might be that you panic and say, “No, I can’t try the weeds! It’s too scary, let me try the rock! The rock! I need to try the rock!” and they might say “OK, try the rock, lets see how that goes and you might try the rock but slip and end up clinging to the weeds anyway.

But the key thing is, you have to communicate that to the therapist so they can absorb this, and work out how to get you along the next couple of meters, and then a bit further, and a bit further until you get to the other side.

It can be a really beneficial relationship. It can really help you to get to the other side, but the therapist has to know all that you can see to make it work.

I was quite lucky. Largely do to the medication that I was on, I was in a position where I was well enough to know there was no way round it so I just plunged into the water. It was hideous, but having taken that initial leap, I was already wet so there was nothing left to lose. Because I'm human, I was in the river shivering and suddenly realised I had no clue what I was seeing, and I wasn't entirely sure what the guide needed to know. Consequently, I failed to tell my therapist about several key things, and I fixated on something else, so I spent longer in the water than I might have done otherwise, but as he said when I was out and dry ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it, sometimes these things are harder to see when you’re in the water.’

There was one slimy weed he wanted me to conquer and though we went through it over and over with me just barely hanging on I couldn’t understand why he made me do that. Until I was out and dry in the meadow and six months on I had a moment of ‘Oh! That’s why that was important! Doh!’

But I got out. 

It is possible to get across and get out.