Here you are; Fortune Favours, Episode 1. I know it didn't go anywhere, but I'm still happy with it. I'm sorry about the formatting - I've tried to make it as clear as possible, but the Word to Blogger interface is awkward.
FORTUNE FAVOURS: SERIES 1 EPISODE 1
RADIO FORTUNE
By
Pip Mulgrue
Character list
Alex – (Female) mid 20s – Radio presenter
Paul – (Male) late 30s – Radio producer
Chris – (Male) early 40s – Sound engineer
Shelly – (Female) 19 – Workfare placement
Nicholas – (Male) 50s – Station manager
Martin – (Male) 40s – Radio presenter
SCENE 1
ATMOS: INT. RADIO SANDYHAVEN, STUDIO 2
ALEX: (CLOSE)
So just another reminder to all you lovely Sandyhavenites; the team and I will
be at the Alder Road allotments between two and four this afternoon. Come on,
guys! A little bit of hard work and we can save them from closure! Stay tuned
for the traffic and weather report, but first, here’s a little Village People
to get you into that Friday working mood.
FX: BLAST OF MUSIC
CHRIS: Is
there such a thing as a Friday working mood?
ALEX: ‘Course
there is! It’s that burst of energy you get when you need to give the week just
one last push.
CHRIS: People
do that?
PAUL: Not
normal people.
CHRIS: My
Friday working mood is more; try to finish the week without throttling anyone.
PAUL: Yep
– that’s the normal one.
ALEX: We’re
going to have great weather this afternoon. Not too hot, not too dry.
PAUL: So
it’s going to be cold and wet.
ALEX: Better
that when we’re doing physical labour. There’s a lot for us to clear.
PAUL: For
you to clear…
ALEX: To
be cleared. People will come and help. You’ll see.
12 FX: DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES.
SHELLY: Tea
for you, Alex.
ALEX: Thanks,
Shelly. You’re a treasure.
SHELLY: Tea,
Paul.
PAUL: Thank
you, Shelly.
SHELLY: I
might of spat in yours.
PAUL: Much
obliged, Shelly. Are you going to give me a clue as to how I’ve offended you
this time?
SHELLY: Like,
you should just know!
PAUL: Heads
up; our lord and master approaches.
FX: DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES.
NICHOLAS: Bit
busy in here, isn’t it?
SHELLY: I’m
just going.
NICHOLAS: Why
are you here… Chris, isn’t it? Shouldn’t you be in the control room?
CHRIS: There
was a static issue. I wanted to check the…
NICHOLAS: I don’t
care. I need a minute, Paul.
PAUL: You
can have five if you just wait thirty seconds…
ALEX: (CLOSE)
Well I hope that that got you all up and moving! Today’s weather; watch out for
scattered showers and occasional sudden squalls, so fab news for all you gardeners,
but tie everything down securely. Everything looks great on the roads so far,
and today’s accident at the Church Road junction hasn’t happened yet, so well
done, all you Church Road drivers! You’re listening to Radio Sandyhaven, the
station that brings light to your day. Now here’s a word from our sponsors.
PAUL: Clear.
What do you need, Nicholas? We’ve got a packed show.
NICHOLAS: Yes.
Apparently it’s packed with a campaign to clean up some allotments.
ALEX: Oh,
Nicholas, will you be coming too?
NICHOLAS: No,
I will not, young lady. What’s more, you won’t be there either.
ALEX: What
do you mean? Are you threatening me with detention?
NICHOLAS: My
dear, I’m threatening you with disciplinary action! We agreed there would be no
more public campaigns! People don’t want to hear it while they’re trying to
digest their cornflakes!
ALEX: Nonsense!
That’s when people get five minutes to engage with civic life.
NICHOLAS: Alex,
first thing in the morning, people want to feel that all is well with the
world. Everything is tickety-boo just the way things are, and they don’t need
to worry their sweet little heads about anything.
ALEX: (BLOWS
LIPS) I think you’re hugely underestimating the people of the town.
NICHOLAS: I think
you’re hugely underestimating how interested I am in discussing this. I’ve said
‘no more’ and that’s final, OK?
PAUL: (PAUSE)
She understands, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS: Good.
And I expect you to keep her under control, Paul. Oh, and no more Village
People. We get complaints from listeners.
ALEX: You
get complaints from Mr Steadman of Deanary Close. One complaint from one
listener. And he ought to broaden his horizons.
NICHOLAS: Alex,
I’m going to make this nice and simple for you. Mr Steadman is a…? Come on now,
one of you must know!
CHRIS: He’s
a listener.
NICHOLAS: Good
man! Well done. And listeners bring…?
PAUL: Revenue.
NICHOLAS: Precisely.
Mr Steadman, brings money to the station, whereas you, Alex, are a constant
drain. I need to keep him happy. Your happiness is significantly less
important.
ALEX: But
if you just…
NICHOLAS: I’ve
have said no, and my word is final!
PAUL: She
understands, Nicholas No more Village People.
NICHOLAS: Good
boy. Remember, I’m relying on you, Paul.
FX DOOR
CLOSES.
ALEX: Mr
Steadman is a bigot.
PAUL: Be
that as it may, just toe the line for a bit.
ALEX: Only
one member of Village People was gay anyway.
PAUL: Alex,
stay focussed…
ALEX: That’s
a twenty per cent gay total. There was a higher proportion of gay people in
Queen. And a hundred per cent of Elton John is gay, and Candle in the Wind
remains our most requested song.
CHRIS: Really?
Which version?
PAUL: Both;
the people of Sandyhaven have no taste. And that’s Nicholas’s point, Alex. They
don’t want to engage or join in; they want to sit in their comfortable little
homes and feel looked after. Just stay focussed and try to get through the rest
of the show without annoying Nicholas. Please?
ALEX: (CLOSE)
Welcome back, guys! Now, we have a phone-in coming up sparked by a little
debate we’re having in the office; how much gay is too much gay in a band? I
say; who cares as long as the sound is good! But what do you think, Sandyhaven?
Email, text or just call in! You’re listening to Radio Sandyhaven, where
profits matter more than people!
FX DOOR
OPENS
NICHOLAS: Alex!
You’re fired!
SCENE TWO
ATMOS: NICHOLAS’
OFFICE
NICHOLAS: You
know what, Paul, in all my years as a station manager I’ve never had the
pleasure of firing anyone. It was surprisingly fulfilling. I ought to send
little Alex a thank you note.
PAUL: That’s
great, Nicholas, but Alex is really very sorry.
NICHOLAS: Is
she?
PAUL: Probably.
Please, give her one more chance.
NICHOLAS: I
gave her one more chance after the graffiti campaign fiasco.
PAUL: That
was an accident…
NICHOLAS: She
whitewashed over a fifteen hundred pound mural.
PAUL: And
she apologised. Now I know more than anyone that Alex is a little…
NICHOLAS: Psychotic?
PAUL: Highly
charged, but the listeners really like her!
NICHOLAS: We
get more complaints about that woman than we do for all our other presenters
combined.
PAUL: But
we also get more listeners!
NICHOLAS: Yes!
Some of them sit there with notepads, making lists of complaints. She has them
reaching for the Valium!
PAUL: Maybe
a different time slot would work better? What about drive time?
NICHOLAS: Drive
time? God no! Can you imagine the accidents?
PAUL: Tea
time then?
NICHOLAS: No.
The firing of Alex was strangely satisfying, and I have no inclination to take
it back. Funny how such a tiny phrase can be so deeply fulfilling to say.
You’re fired.
PAUL: You’re
fired? Really? I’m not sure I’m feeling it myself. I think ‘you’re rehired’ is
much better.
NICHOLAS: That’s
because you don’t understand, Paul. You’re fired.
PAUL: So,
more like you’re fired. Nope, still
not getting it.
NICHOLAS: It’s
really simple, Paul. You’re fired.
PAUL: Do
I have to point too?
NICHOLAS: No.
You just have to listen.
PAUL: Oh.
SCENE 3
ATMOS: Pub.
ALEX: Hi,
Paul! You wanted to see me? What’s up?
PAUL: Nothing’s
up. I’m about to get quite startlingly drunk, and I suggest that you do the
same.
ALEX: Why?
PAUL: Well
we’ve both just been fired. It’s what you do when you’ve just been fired.
ALEX: That’s
madness. Surely when you’ve been fired, you should start a campaign to get your
old job back.
PAUL: Yes!
I’m glad you think so too! I didn’t think you would!
ALEX: Of
course I do. I’m sure the people of Sandyhaven want us back. I’ve started
designing some fliers…
PAUL: Oh,
you meant an actual campaign.
ALEX: Yes.
What did you mean?
PAUL: I
meant going to see Nicholas and grovelling at his feet.
ALEX: Grovelling?
PAUL: Yes.
Grovelling and apologising and possibly some begging too.
ALEX: But
he was in the wrong.
PAUL: Be
that as it may; you need to apologise.
ALEX: I
don’t want to apologise.
PAUL: Neither
do I, but I do want my old job back.
ALEX: Which
brings us back to my fliers.
PAUL: No.
Sorry, Alex, but no. There will be no fliers this time. No banners, no
placards, no marching bands. Now, what’ll you have?
ALEX: A
lemonade if you must.
PAUL: You
have to have a proper drink. An alcoholic drink.
ALEX: But
I don’t drink.
PAUL: Well
that explains a lot. What sounds nice to you? Pick something.
ALEX: I’ve
always wondered about absinth. Is it minty?
PAUL: One
pint of bitter please, and a glass of wine for the lady.
FX: GLASSES
PUT DOWN.
PAUL: Cheers,
Alex. For what it’s worth, it’s been really interesting working with you.
ALEX: Thanks,
Paul.
FX: GLASSES
CHINKING.
ALEX: (GULPING)
Oo, it’s quite a lot sharper than I imagined. Not bad though.
PAUL: Yeah,
maybe slow down just a touch…
SCENE FOUR
ATMOS: SAME
PUB, NOT THAT MUCH LATER.
ALEX: But
the thing is, Paul, the thing… the thing
is, and I never, ever told you this, but the thing is, that you always looked after me. You’re lovely
for that!
PAUL: Of
course, you would be a happy drunk. Can’t you just try being depressed?
ALEX: Oh,
Paul. You don’t mean that you cheeky boy.
SHELLY: Hiya.
PAUL: Shelly?
What are you doing here?
SHELLY: Chris
said you’d probably be here. I wanted to tell you that I quit too. In
solidarity.
PAUL: With
me?
SHELLY: No,
‘course not. With Alex.
ALEX: Oh,
Shelly! Oh you’re such a generous, amazing woman! Didn’t I always say, Paul,
didn’t I say that she’s a peach! Such a gorgeous, pink and fluffy little peach!
PAUL: Er,
Shelly, aren’t you on workfair?
SHELLY: Yeah.
So?
PAUL: I
don’t think you’re allowed to just walk out. They’ll stop your benefits.
SHELLY: What,
so I’ve just got to turn up every day, and put up with anything that Old Nick
says?
PAUL: Yes.
SHELLY: That’s
just slavery, that is!
PAUL: Pretty
much.
SHELLY: Well
that sucks. Lend us a fiver for a drink.
CHRIS: Evening.
I thought I’d see what you were all up to.
ALEX: And
it’s Steve too!
CHRIS: Chris.
ALEX: Oh
Chris! I never told you but…
CHRIS: Yeah?
ALEX: You’re
just the best… the best… you’re so good at doing that thing that you do!
CHRIS: I’m
a sound engineer.
ALEX: And
you’re amazing at it! Such an
important… important part of the team! You, you, you made the show, Steve!
CHRIS: Chris.
ALEX: Chris.
CHRIS: I’ll
get a round in. What are you all having?
PAUL: Bitter.
SHELLY: Wicked.
ALEX: This
wine, Chris, this wine here, is the most beautiful drink in the world.
PAUL: But
I really don’t think she needs any more.
CHRIS: How
many has she had?
PAUL: That’s
her first.
ALEX: Oh,
Paul, you’re doing it again! You’re looking after my best… best… best interesting.
I love you.
PAUL: (MUFFLED)
Get off me!
CHRIS: Er,
I really care for you too, Alex.
ALEX: Oh,
Steve!
CHRIS: It’s
still Chris.
ALEX: Chris.
CHRIS: Yes?
ALEX: Chris.
CHRIS: Yes?
ALEX: (VOMITS)
Oh, Chris!
CHRIS: It’s
fine, Alex.
ALEX: Your
shoes are beautiful!
PAUL: Right,
I’m going to walk her home. Come on Alex, up you come.
CHRIS: Shall
I get you a pint in?
PAUL: Yeah.
Actually no. After I drop her off, I’m going to pop round and see Old Nick.
SCENE FIVE
ATMOS: STREET.
EVENING.
ALEX: The
thing is… the thing is… it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. My whole life. I just
wanted to show the people of Sandyhaven how amazing
they all are! I think that, so many of them are tired out with life and they
look at each other with sus… sus…
PAUL: (PANTING)
Suspicion?
ALEX: Yeah,
suspension, and I just wanted to get them all to see that they’re actually
amazing, and Sandyhaven’s amazing. That’s all I ever wanted. For my town to
work. Isn’t that everyone’s ambition? Really deep down?
PAUL: It
was my ambition to have a job that paid the rent, the car repayments, and the
golf-course fees.
ALEX: Oh,
you don’t mean that.
PAUL: I
really do. Why do you have to live all the way at the top of the hill? And
where are your keys.
ALEX: Keys?
PAUL: Got
them.
FX DOOR
UNLOCKING AND OPENING.
PAUL: Good
lord, your flat’s horrible.
ALEX: No,
it’s amazing.
PAUL: Your
salary wasn’t that bad! Why on earth do you live in this dump?
ALEX: I’ll
show you.
FX: CURTAINS
OPENING.
ALEX: See?
This is the only house in Sandyhaven where you can look out and see the whole
town. All of it, just lying there in the valley.
PAUL: God,
what a sight.
ALEX: I
know! See there? There’s the harbour. It’s not so busy now. And further on, the
beach. And all the houses, all of them, with all the amazing people.
PAUL: Is
that the primary school on fire?
ALEX: What
day is it?
PAUL: Tuesday.
ALEX: Then
yes. Pass me the phone.
SCENE SIX
ATMOS: PAUL’S
FLAT.
FX: DOORBELL
RINGS ENHTUSIASTICALLY
PAUL: Just
coming! Just coming! Pipe down!
FX DOOR
OPENING
PAUL: Oh.
Hello, Alex. What the hell are you doing here? What time is it?
ALEX: It’s
six thirty.
PAUL: Why
are you here at this ungodly hour in the morning?
ALEX: Oh,
pish! We were up earlier than this for the show!
PAUL: But
the thing is you don’t work on the show any more. So six thirty is for sleeping
now.
ALEX: Don’t
be a slugabed! Time’s getting on, and we need to strike when the inspiration is
pouring through our veins!
PAUL: How
are you not hungover?
ALEX: I
had a bit of a headache earlier.
PAUL: There
was an earlier?
ALEX: Focus
now, Paul, are we both on the same page?
PAUL: There’s
a page?
ALEX: Yes
there’s a page! There’s a whole book! Remember, last night in the pub, we
agreed about our new radio station!
PAUL: About
what?
ALEX: The
new radio station. The one we’re going to build. The four of us.
PAUL: What
pub were you in? Because that didn’t happen in my pub.
ALEX: Yes
it did! Look, I even wrote out our manifesto when I got home…
FX: PAGES
TURNING.
PAUL: Your
writing is suspiciously neat given the state you were in.
ALEX: That’s
not important. What’s important is that we’re going to build a radio station
that’s for the town; not just for the money.
PAUL: Are
you sure you wrote this last night?
ALEX: What?
Yes, of course I did.
PAUL: It’s
just; this is an exercise book from school…
ALEX: So,
what does it matter? The important point is…
PAUL: Your
fourth year science book, to be exact…
ALEX: It
really doesn’t matter when it was written.
PAUL: You’ve
been planning to create a community radio station since you were fourteen?
ALEX: Yes!
Doesn’t everyone? Listen, Paul, you need to focus now. The radio station – the
manifesto; what do you think?
PAUL: I
think you're mad! Genuinely, honestly, really think you should get a doctor
involved, mad. There’s already
a radio station here, remember? You worked there until yesterday.
ALEX: There's
more than enough room in this town for two radio stations!
PAUL: This
is Sandyhaven! There are only about 12 people here!
ALEX: There
are 10,232 people here. And at least half the fifth form girls are pregnant.
PAUL: Well
Mrs Baker downstairs looks like she's on her last legs!
ALEX: Lindsay
Brown is expecting twins.
PAUL: How
do you even know this stuff?
ALEX: It's
my town! I care!
PAUL: You
care about Lindsay Brown's twins?
ALEX: Yes!
Someone has to! You should too. You should be stepping in to help Mrs Baker
downstairs. Not standing by idly, waiting to cross her off the census.
PAUL: I’m
not! I just…
ALEX: What?
PAUL: I
really like her flat. She has the garden.
ALEX: Come
on now, Paul, I need to know what you think. Are you in, or are you out?
Quickly, before the others get here.
PAUL: What
others?
ALEX: Chris
and Shelly of course! They’re founder members!
PAUL: You
invited other people to my flat, at 6:30 in the morning? What the hell are you?
FX: Doorbell.
Door opens.
SHELLY: Hi
Paul. Wow. I mean, hello Paul.
PAUL: Shelly.
Come in if you must.
CHRIS: Hi,
Paul.
PAUL: Chris.
The psycho’s through there.
ALEX: Good,
now we’re all here, we should get started right away.
SHELLY: Is
there coffee? I was told there’d be breakfast.
ALEX: Coffee
can wait.
PAUL: I’m
not sure it can.
CHRIS: Perhaps
we should give Paul a chance to get dressed.
ALEX: Oh
he’s fine.
SHELLY: He’s
certainly a lot finer than I thought he would be.
PAUL: Thanks.
SHELLY: Nice
boxers, by the way. Black silk, red hearts, very tasteful.
PAUL: Really,
thanks.
SHELLY: Gift
from your girlfriend, was it?
PAUL: Please
stop talking. Why don’t we all just listen to what Alex has to say, and then
you can all get the hell out of my flat.
CHRIS: I
really, really need coffee. Shelly, don’t you usually make the coffee?
SHELLY: Yeah,
all right. Can I snoop around your kitchen, Paul?
PAUL: Go
right ahead. Why don’t you all just move in and have done? I’m going back to
bed.
ALEX: No,
you’re going for a shower and to get dressed and we’ll reconvene at the kitchen
table in ten minutes.
PAUL: Argh!
SCENE SEVEN
ATMOS: PAUL’S
FLAT
PAUL: (SIGH)
Look, Alex, this just isn’t going to work.
ALEX: So
you keep saying! But you haven’t explained why!
PAUL: Because
nobody will listen. Nobody will pay for advertising. Nobody, to be frank,
cares.
SHELLY: Head’s
up; I’ve made everyone bacon sarnies.
FX: PLATES
BEING PUT DOWN.
CHRIS: Cheer’s
Shelly!
PAUL: Is
that all my bacon?
ALEX: People
will listen. I did a survey yesterday….
PAUL: When?
ALEX: Yesterday
afternoon.
PAUL: When
yesterday afternoon?
ALEX: Yesterday
afternoon, when we were clearing the allotments.
PAUL: That
actually happened?
ALEX: Of
course it did! While I had people there, I sounded them out, and they all said
that they’d listen to my radio station. So there you go. Listeners.
CHRIS: Good
sarnie, Shelly.
SHELLY: Ta.
There’s more if you want.
CHRIS: Don’t
mind if I do.
PAUL: I
mind! It’s my food you’re eating!
ALEX: You
need to learn how to share, Paul.
PAUL: No
I don’t! I don’t need to share my food, and I don’t need to look after Mrs
Baker, and I don’t need to listen to you!
SHELLY: Who’s
Mrs Baker?
PAUL: She’s
not important.
ALEX: She’s
his downstairs neighbour.
SHELLY: What,
the one who looks like a corpse?
ALEX: It’s
more polite to say ‘frail’, Shelly.
PAUL: She
is not relevant to this discussion. OK then Alex, how many.
ALEX: How
many what?
PAUL: How
many people turned up to help?
ALEX: I
didn’t do a headcount.
PAUL: Give
me an estimate.
ALEX: OK
then, I’d say around… three.
PAUL: Three!
ALEX: But
we’ve got to start somewhere!
PAUL: Yes,
but not in my flat!
ALEX: Well
that nicely brings us into he next point on the agenda.
SHELLY: Is
it about Paul’s pants? Because I don’t think we’ve sufficiently covered Paul’s
pants.
ALEX: No,
Item two is; where should we record?
SHELLY: So
not, where did Paul get his pants?
PAUL: I
already told you; they were a gift. Now, and I can’t believe I’m actually saying
this, but let’s get on with Alex’s agenda. So, where should this insane radio
station record?
SHELLY: What
about Studio 3.
ALEX: Studio
3?
SHELLY: Yeah.
I mean, I’ve not been in there, but there’s definitely a door in the basement of
Radio Sandyhaven with ‘Studio 3’ written on it. I saw it on a cigarette break
once.
PAUL: You
can’t smoke in the basement, Shelly!
SHELLY: What
do you care? You don’t even work there no more.
ALEX: There’s
a third studio?
CHRIS: ‘Course
there is. It’s been locked since the two new ones were opened ten years ago.
ALEX: A
phantom studio!
PAUL: No,
it’s more like a place that they keep forgetting to refurbish.
ALEX: A
lone studio, standing empty and unloved, buried deeply beneath the commercial
surface that we see today...
PAUL: Once
again, it's just a studio. But you can’t use it; Nicholas won’t let you.
ALEX: The
building doesn’t belong to Nicholas. He’s just a manager.
PAUL: But
it’d cost money; we’d have to pay rent to the building landlords.
ALEX: Blast!
It was too perfect.
CHRIS: Not
as I remember it. It was old, damp, and the buttons kept jamming.
SHELLY: The
thing is, right, you haven’t ever mentioned a girlfriend, Paul.
PAUL: What?
SHELLY: Someone
who might buy you silk boxer shorts.
PAUL: Oh
for heaven’s sake! Why on earth do you think I would chat about my love life
with you! Now focus on the agenda, please!
ALEX: Yes
indeed! So where to record?
CHRIS: There’s
always my garage.
ALEX: You
can broadcast radio from a garage?
CHRIS: Yeah.
Now everything’s digital, you can record pretty much anywhere. You just need a
sound desk and a server.
ALEX: That’s
amazing!
PAUL: I’ll
say! You own a garage?
CHRIS: Well,
own is a bit strong...
PAUL: You
rent one?
CHRIS: Eeeehh.
PAUL: You
have access to a garage?
CHRIS: Yeah.
Go with that.
PAUL: It
has a lock?
CHRIS: 'Course
it has a lock. I put one on it after I moved the sound desk in. Don't want that
nicked.
PAUL: Where
exactly did you get a sound desk?
CHRIS: Well,
you know Studio 3…?
SHELLY: We
can’t broadcast from a garage.
CHRIS: Why
not?
SHELLY: Where
would we make the tea? Or go to the loo.
CHRIS: I’ve
got a bottle.
SHELLY: For which?
PAUL: I
don’t want to know!
SHELLY: Let’s
not use Chris’s garage.
ALEX: No.
We’ll just have to rent studio three. There is no other way.
PAUL: There’s
possibly not even that way. Alex, you do understand that this is never going to
happen, don’t you?
ALEX: It
will if we make it. Fortune favours the brave, Paul, and we’re that!
SHELLY: I’m
not sure I am.
CHRIS: I
know I’m not.
ALEX:
So we’re all agreed then? The four of us starting up radio… something.
PAUL: It’s
like there’s a whole world happening out here that you’re just not aware of!
SHELLY: You
know what? I'm in. ‘Specially if you tell the job centre that I’m working for
you now.
CHRIS: I’m
happy to do a bit too, if you want me to, Alex.
ALEX: Of
course I do. What about you, Paul?
PAUL: I
just…
ALEX: You
have literally nothing better to do.
PAUL: Actually,
Alex, I sort of do.
ALEX: What
do you mean?
PAUL: I
had a conversation with Nicholas yesterday.
ALEX: Oh
really. Was there grovelling? And apologies?
PAUL: I’m
focussing on the fact that I still have a job. I’m on a week’s unpaid
suspension, but I’m hoping to do a bit more grovelling and change that too.
ALEX: So
you won’t help us.
PAUL: It’s
not that I don’t want to…
ALEX: Good
then! Until you’re back to work, you can help us! Oh! I’ve just had a thought!
You could be our man on the inside, advocating on our behalf!
PAUL: Alex….
ALEX: Fantastic!
I’m going to get supplies, and I’ll meet you all at Studio 3 in an hour. See
you then!
FX: DOOR
CLOSES.
PAUL: This
is all going to end very badly, isn’t it?
CHRIS: Here.
Have the last sandwich.
SCENE EIGHT
ATMOS: STUDIO
3
ALEX: Right,
are you all ready?
PAUL: We’re
on tenterhooks.
ALEX: OK,
let’s go.
FX DOOR
UNLOCKING
ALEX: Ta
da! The new home of Radio… something.
PAUL: Good
God.
SHELLY: (COUGHING)
it’s a bit… a bit…
ALEX: It’s
perfect. Come on, guys; it’ll only ever be what we make of it.
PAUL: I’m
not sure we’ll ever be able to make anything of this.
ALEX: A
lick of paint, a bit of polish…
SHELLY: Are
those things rat droppings?
ALEX: …
and a vacuum, and it’ll be wonderful!
PAUL: And
who’s going to do all this work?
ALEX: We
are.
PAUL: Yes.
I was afraid of that.
ALEX: I
said we would in exchange for paying half rent for our first year.
PAUL: So
you said we’d pay rent for our first year?
ALEX: Half rent.
PAUL: Yes.
Which still means some rent. And you
still have no money.
ALEX: Pish,
that’s an easy problem to solve.
PAUL: Yes,
you can just go and gather some from the money tree in the courtyard.
ALEX: Right,
I bought polish and cloths. Here catch.
PAUL: How
does this work then?
ALEX: It’s
easy-peasy. Just spray like this…
FX: AEROSOL
ALEX: (COUGH)
then polish like this.
SHELLY: I
think someone spilled something here. Ew.
ALEX: Now,
while we’re working, let’s think about what we’re going to call our new radio
station?
PAUL: Isn’t
it written in your science book?
ALEX: No,
I was more about ideals. Besides, it belongs to all of us, so it should be a
group decision.
PAUL: How
about, Radio This Hasn't Got a Cat In Hell's Chance of Surviving?
SHELLY: Catchy.
ALEX: No.
Come on people. We need something that reflects who we are...
PAUL: Radio
These are a Bunch of Nutters with a Bankruptcy Wish?
ALEX: No,
something more... something that reflects our passion for civic life.
SHELLY: Civitas?
PAUL: Civitas
is a quango.
SHELLY: Is
that like a kangaroo?
PAUL: No.
ALEX: Something
that reflects the dignity of the people...
SHELLY: Dignitas?
PAUL: Dignitas
is an organisation that euthanizes people.
CHRIS: There's
a company that euthanizes people?
PAUL: Yes.
It’s in Switzerland.
CHRIS: So
one would have to travel to Switzerland, hypothetically?
PAUL: Yes.
CHRIS: Interesting.
PAUL: I
think you can only ask to have yourself euthanized. You can't ask for someone
else.
CHRIS: Oh.
Forget it then.
PAUL: Good-o.
But perhaps not a good name for a radio station.
SHELLY: I’m
out of polish. I’m going to raid the supply cupboard.
PAUL: It’s
not our supply cupboard!
SHELLY: Yeah. I don’t care.
FX DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES
ALEX: We
want something with heart.
PAUL: That’s
taken.
ALEX: Something
magical.
PAUL: Taken.
ALEX: Something
classic.
PAUL: Taken.
ALEX: Something
timeless, like gold.
PAUL: Oh
God. I’m cleaning rat droppings from a studio that’s never, ever going to be
used, aren’t I?
ALEX: But
it will! You’ll see! It really will!
PAUL: I’m
going to go and help Shelly with the supplies.
FX DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES.
CHRIS: And
then there were two.
ALEX: They’ll
be back in a bit.
CHRIS: Yeah.
Alex?
ALEX: Mm?
CHRIS: Do
you really, truly think this is going to work?
ALEX: Of
course. Don’t you?
CHRIS: Well,
yeah. It’s just that sometimes, just because you really want something to work,
that doesn’t mean that it will actually work. It’s like people. You might fancy
the pants off someone amazing, someone so beautiful and vibrant and vivacious,
but somewhere, deep in the bottom of your heart, you know that you’re just a
middle-aged, balding man with a bit of a kleptomania problem. You might really
want it, but it wouldn’t work.
ALEX: But
how do you know if you don’t at least ask her? If you decide in advance that it
won’t work, then it never will.
CHRIS: Yeah.
The thing is, Alex…
ALEX: Whoever
it is, I promise we’ll work on it later for you. There’s no reason for you to
sell yourself short, just because you’re old and grey and a bit… criminally
minded.
CHRIS: Yeah,
look…
ALEX: But
let’s just do one thing at once, hey? Let’s get this going, and then you can
tell her you’re on the board of Radio Whatever We’re Called. That’s something!
CHRIS: Yeah,
I suppose.
ALEX: Actually,
where are the other two? They can’t both have got lost.
SCENE NINE
ATMOS: RADIO
SANDYHAVEN FOYER
CHRIS: Sh.
Stay where you are! Get behind that plant!
ALEX: (WHISPERS)
Why?
CHRIS: Nicholas
is in the foyer. He’s talking to Paul.
ALEX: Let’s
see! Oh, well there you are! Paul’s clearly explaining the whole situation to
him. I told you he’d be our advocate.
CHRIS: Old
Nick looks surprisingly happy that there’s a rival radio station about to start
broadcasting from the basement.
ALEX: Well
he’s a reasonable man.
CHRIS: Is
he? Who’s he with?
ALEX: I
Don’t know. Shall I go and see?
CHRIS: No.
Stay out of sight.
ALEX: Whoever
he is, he seems very engaging. Look at Paul’s smile.
CHRIS: Yep.
That’s totally genuine.
ALEX: And
now they’re all shaking hands! This is perfect! I’m going to see who it is.
CHRIS: No!
Alex, stay down…. Alex!
ALEX: Good
morning, Nicholas! I see Paul’s squared everything away with you!
PAUL: Er,
Alex…
ALEX: Hello!
I’m pleased to meet you! I’m Alex, the breakfast show presenter.
MARTIN: I’m
Martin. The breakfast show presenter.
NICHOLAS: Paul’s
going to start working with him tomorrow. That’s such good news, don’t you
think, Alex!
ALEX: (PAUSE)
Yes. Yes of course it is.
NICHOLAS: Come
on now, boys. Why don’t we all go for a celebratory lunch?
PAUL: I’ll
see you later, Alex.
ALEX: Right.
FX: NICHOLAS,
PAUL AND MARTIN WALK AWAY. NICHOLAS LAUGHS.
CHRIS: Alex,
I’m so sorry…
ALEX: No!
It’s a good thing! Paul wanted to work for Radio Sandyhaven, and now he does.
And he’s my friend. So I’m happy.
CHRIS: Oh,
Alex. There’s something else I need to tell you.
ALEX: Mm?
What is it?
CHRIS: Well,
I never left my old job.
ALEX: What?
CHRIS: I
didn’t leave and I wasn’t fired. I was just helping you out in my spare time, but
I’ve got to go back to work now.
ALEX: Oh,
of course. Well, have a good day, Chris.
SCENE TEN
MARTIN: (CLOSE)
So, all you lovely people; let’s all get moving and shaking with a bit of…
Coldplay.
MARTIN: (CONT.)
Phew! Was that OK?
PAUL: Yes,
you were great.
MARTIN: But
do you think they’ll like me? Was that too full on in the morning? Maybe I
should be a bit more… (BBC VOICE) Good morning to all our listeners…
PAUL: Really, you just need to relax.
Be yourself.
MARTIN: Oh
yes, of course. But which myself should I be? I have a whole heap of myselfs
I’ve been trying out.
FX: DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES
SHELLY: Tea
for you, Paul.
PAUL: (CLEARS
THOAT) Thank you, Shelly.
SHELLY: Yeah.
Right. And for you this…
MARTIN: Hot
chocolate? Did you follow my instructions?
SHELLY: Pretty
much.
MARTIN: Thank
you, sweetheart.
SHELLY: Whatever.
PAUL: Shelly?
SHELLY: Mm?
PAUL: They
were a Christmas present from Mrs Baker downstairs.
SHELLY: Mrs
Baker! (LAUGHS)
FX: DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES.
MARTIN: Mrs
Baker?
PAUL: Sorry.
Private joke.
MARTIN: Do
you know that girl?
PAUL: We’re
quite informal here.
MARTIN: Yes,
but surely not with the tea-girl.
PAUL: You’re
back in three, two…
MARTIN: (CLOSE)
Oh! Er, the time is currently… er, quarter to eight-ish, and… hang on, I wasn’t
ready. Er, oh yes, adverts. Here are some things you might want to, er… buy.
MARTIN: (CONT.)
I think it’s probably better if I concentrate on the show between segments.
Keep things a bit quiet in here.
PAUL: Fine. Actually, I need a quick
word with Nicholas. You’ll be OK for a second?
MARTIN: No!
FX: DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES
NICHOLAS: Ah,
Paul, how is young Martin getting along?
PAUL: Where
on earth did you find him?
NICHOLAS: In
the usual place. He might need you to take him under your wing a bit, but I’m
sure you’re not above a spot of babysitting.
PAUL: What
previous experience does he have?
NICHOLAS: Oh,
loads. He was responsible for the privatisation of all the playgrounds in
Elmswood. They turn over a hundred thousand pounds profit per annum now! If he
does the same here, you’ll be back on your old salary in no time.
PAUL: Right. But what experience does
he have in radio?
NICHOLAS: Not
so much there. But experience in radio doesn’t always get you where you need,
Paul. Surely that silly little girl Alex is living testament of that! Anyhow, Martin’s
a great little chap. You just need to guide his way.
FX: DOOR
OPENS
MARTIN: Uncle
Nicky? I think I’ve done something bad.
NICHOLAS: Off
you go, Paul. Clean up all the little messes.
PAUL: Just
a second, Martin. Nicholas, remember we were discussing phrases the other day,
and the ones that can make you feel really good?
NICHOLAS: Er,
vaguely, vaguely..
PAUL: I’ve
got another one you might like.
NICHOLAS: Really? Out with it then, man!
Time is money!
PAUL: I
quit!
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